Portrait

So, I have totally missed this ridiculous argument between a certain Nibras Bawa and the rest of the Sri Lankan blogosphere, headed by, I am proud to say, none other than my good friend and fellow-blogger Rhythmic Diaspora.

It’s this age-old argument: if women want to be treated with respect, they should dress and behave ‘decently’.
First of all, decent by whose standards? Who are these bigoted people we need to take our moral standards from?

Second of all: Women don’t need to do or not do any thing in particular to be respected by others. They deserve it as human beings simply by the virtue of being alive.

I have always been surprised at how male chauvinism infiltrates even the highest ranks of men: meaning I have come across really nice, intelligent guys who are just inherently sexist, and may not even realise they are.

As I just said on RD’s blog, there have always existed different standards of sexual behaviour for men and women. While men are expected to be promiscuous and sleazy, just because they are men, women are not given this freedom of behaviour without being cruelly and unfairly judged and disrespected for it. I have met so many men who are, in every sense of the words, ’sluts’, and are ‘easy’. But they are never considered easy or slutty no matter how many women they sleep with, simply because they are men and sexual promiscuity is expected of them, and even looked up to (by other men, mostly) with respect as achievements, or ‘conquests’. It is also always assumed that the men are the ones who are the conquerors in these relationships, and never the women. The women are always just the tools.

If a woman sleeps with multiple men, or attempts to pick up men in the same way that men pick up women, it is immediately looked upon, even by the most supposedly liberal groups of society, as act that compromises her dignity of self respect. Why can’t a woman follow the same patterns of behaviour as men and still retain her respect and status in society?

The other crushing thing is that a woman who chooses this lifestyle is neither by respected by men, nor women. The women will call her a slut, and the men will call her easy. But the men will still find her good enough to sleep with her, but not good enough to take home to their mommies. So all these ‘liberal’ men will sleep around endlessly with these ‘easy’ girls, simply because they are easy and the sex is achieved without a great amount of effort, and then discard them and settle down for long relationships with wholesome, ‘decent girls’ who don’t have a man-a-night track record.

So a woman who chooses to exercise her right to have sex with whoever she pleases whenever she pleases, definitely doesn’t have a lot to look forward to.

This idea is not only in-built into men, but unfortunately into many women as well. This leads to many unhealthy notions in women, like ‘I cannot get a men unless I sleep with him’, or ‘I am only as good as a man says I am’, or worst, ‘I am evil and unworthy if I sleep with more than one man’. It also leads to women hating and judging each other. Women themselves are sexist against their own kind.

However, I sometimes do feel that unfortunately, this is the reality of the world we live in, and therefore we women need to protect ourselves at any cost from discrimination and disrespect. Sometimes, this may call for curbing our various lusts and not acting out on our every whim and fancy with men. In other words, it calls for a degree of carefulness. I realise this is unfair, especially since men don’t need to adhere to the same rules. But let’s face it. It’s the reality and we might as well learn how to deal with it, in practical and realistic terms.

Of course this doesn’t mean I endorse telling women that they need to dress properly if they don’t want to be stared at or molested. That’s just the worst kind of bullshit. How come women don’t grope men on buses? How come women don’t stare and call out to every man that passes them by on the street? How come women aren’t overcome by some maniacal frenzy for sex at any given moment?

Just a little self control, my friend. And some basic respect for mankind.