Portrait

enough bullshit, already. enough mystery and ambiguity and subtlety…who ever said that stuff worked anyway? i want everyone to know this. i need the whole world to believe it. you are mine and i, your’s. i want to scream ‘i love you!’ but that seems so blatant, so…usual. you make my world spin and yet keep it more rational than anything else around me does.

i still don’t know how to say it. how to let you absorb a part of how i feel, how to give this to you. see, it’s in my veins, in my thoughts and dreams and inspiration. reach inside me. feel how it is to feel being me. feel every inkling of love, every tiny little shard of hope, every gush of imagination, every moment of contentment. feel how perfectly all these boundless feelings fit inside me, how comfortable and familiar it all is. it is amazing. i love it. i want it forever.

cousins and boyfriends and favourite people are all currently contestants in tnl onstage 2006.

these ‘band competition’ types are always interesting, if they manage to dodge being intolerable. last night was on the whole a somewhat curious combination of both interesting and intolerable, and was endured with a little patience and an effort at general un-snob-ness.

nemesis didn’t play the kind of music i listen to. it’s heavy and tense and makes me feel stressed out and jumpy. i can’t imagine enjoying that kind of thing, leave alone letting it make me feel happy, inspired or, heaven forbid, realxed. but some people do. each to his own, i suppose. i don’t think this made them a ‘bad’ band, though. i think the music was (very) technically well played, but the vocalist needs to find a way to do his thing right, as it seems is most often the case with this kind of band.

bikini bottom was unprofessional. they were out of synchronization with each other and just not ‘together’. the frontman isn’t a great singer. they’re mostly school kids, and i’m sure with time, practise and experience, they’ll improve. they were the closest we got to punk rock last night, doing the ‘green day’ thing and having a rather over energetic guitarist.

beyond reckoning is difficult to understand, literally and spiritually. i really didn’t understand what they were saying, being the hardcore hip-hop scene that they were, but i also wasn’t utterly convinced about the originality of their act. they were like so many we’ve seen before them, a string of rappers, perhaps topped only by iraj. i guess the music in itself wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great, it tended to become montonous and all the songs ended up sounding more or less like the one before.

cynosure was a tight band. they screwed up (badly) once, but they have a good vocalist and the rest of the band is well rehearsed and sound good. their performance was overall pretty smooth, despite the fact that they’ll probably just become another one of those bands that play gavin degraw and train.

magic box mixup, are well, the professionals. they are completely comfortable onstage and this makes you want to watch them if not listen to them ; they perform with ease and even a certain amount of swagger. they played well, again despite the fact that they play music that i could pass listening to, (’hemorrhage’ by fuel, ‘i wish you were here’ by incubus), and their original is worthy of attention although it didn’t demand it, not having a distinctive flavour to it. the frontman talks a little too much, but everyone loves a superstar.

flake should win (the whole thing), but then, some would say i have a biased opinion. unbiasedly (stop scoffing), they were the only band i really enjoyed. they got my adrenaline flowing and that’s always a good sign. they were original and funky and had an infectious energy. they looked great and played great and felt great and had the slickest performance last night.

the boys did well, and we miss hiran very much.

yes, sorry, it was bad.

in the immediate aftermath of having watched feroze kamardeen’s ‘venice’ last night, my mind didn’t somehow register what i felt about it. over the course of dinner and spirited discussion following my viewing of ‘venice’ though, my opinion more or less formed itself. this morning i woke up and i knew exactly what i thought. the more i think about it, all the lurid detail, the less reason i have to believe there was anything not-bad about it.

this is only my opinion, and it shouldn’t count for all that much, but i really haven’t met anyone who thinks differently or is of a different opinion. everyone i’ve spoken to that’s seen ‘venice’ in it’s almost 17 day run at the lionel wendt theatre has not had anything to say about it but how bad it was ; and these people vary in age, theatrical experience and knowledge and taste. no one was impressed. no one was even entertained. perhaps this is something for the director and producers to think about.

now, i really can’t even begin to breakdown all the things i felt they did wrong. but my main concern has been this : is the director and the producers aware of the quality of what they produced? do they, as educated, experienced actors, directors and producers, realize how superficial and meaningless their production was and simply just put it on anyway, because they know they had their ticket sales, or are they genuinely unaware of the humiliation they are causing themselves? are they at all of the opinion that it was any good, because if that wasn’t the case, then it could only mean one thing : that it’s about the money and the money alone.

the singing was terrible, or maybe it was more the choice of song and that the balance between the musicians and the singers was completely off, making the band a lot louder than the singers and thus making the singers sound drowned and weak. portia’s maids were impossible ; i recognized a few faces, they are fairly established and well known as ’singers’, but they didn’t have any of the presence or the command of their voices that justified this, and most of the time, there was so much pure action amongst them, they were constantly upstaging all the speaking characters and all the most important conversation.

the jessica and lorenzo of this cast were the truly strong voices. they were technically great singers, but they sang all of ‘hanging by a moment’ in the same position, holding each other, looking into each other’s eyes the entire time, not moving, completely immobile, letting the vast, empty stage that was all their own go to total waste. this is only one aspect in a line of things that made me think this : that the entire cast for some odd reason, thought they were in a movie. that’s about the only way i can describe it. this was one phase of the play, the other being that ‘high-school’ play phase. so i felt like i was either watching a really bad movie, or i felt like i was watching a really bad high school play.

first for the movie phase : everyone had clip-on mikes, which added to this movie-effect. without the need to project to the audience, the actors seemed to forget that the audience was there at all. they were speaking very intimately to each other, their facial expressions (if at all) little and subtle, as if they were waiting for the camera to zoom in on them. shylock seemed to even think that he could deliver all his best speeches facing his back to the audience completely. the bad mood music, the stagnant postures while singing, the invisible facial expression and the lack of connectivity with the audience : i felt left out. the production didn’t involve me, it didn’t make me feel anything.

the high-school play phase : oh good lord. most of the direction, the movement, particularly in the crowd scenes, was SO unbelievably boring and predictable. it was just like making a child direct a crowd scene and watching the outcome : the extras were constantly upstaging the main charcters with large hang gestures and general goofing off ; falling over each other, bumping into each other, causing unnecessary commotion and making people laugh at all the wrong people, for all the wrong reasons, in all the wrong places. none of the direction was even remotely interesting, it incorporated nothing novel, nothing new. with all the technology and all the years of education and experience, the coolest they could do was moving platforms. people still had their hands folded when they ‘delivered’ their lines, one charatcer took his/her exit before there was a somewhat curious pause in which space there was an empty stage followed by the other character making his/her entrance. it was banal and cliche.

portia and nerissa were seemingly the only good things about this production at all, they delivered their characters consistently and played them well. shylock had his moments, but it’s hard to tell because the production kept screwing things up for him. the moment he’d make me want to sit up and listen, he’d have to sing a song or something, thereby ruining any little spell he had managed to cast even momentarily.

the costumes were great, but so what? the backdrops (a different one for almost each scene) were cool, but the stationary set onstage was pretty ugly and impractical.

it’s impossible and criminal for the director and producers of ‘venice’ to think that they did a good job. they spent a lot of money, they marketed it wisely and worked with almost the best in every field. they have no excuse. like i was telling someone, the only way in which i can describe this is by saying that it’s like having all the best ingredients and making a really shitty meal. when you have good ingredients, there is no excuse for one that makes a really shitty meal. when you have all the resources, there is no excuse for one that produces a really shitty play.

it seems to me like it’s nothing but just simple lethargy. they put up a godawful production : do they notice? how can such an experienced, learned man as the director of ‘venice’ think honestly to himself that it was good? and if they know, then do they just not care? they just can’t be bothered?

if they were going for pure mass appeal, then they got it. they had a full house almost every night. they earned more than their fair share. for what? i feel cheated. the merchant of venice is such a fantastic play, i almost feel personally offended.

this is all i can say…i talked so much about it that my feelings of frustration are exhausted.

who’s going to tell him? who’s going to stop him from doing another?

justin timberlake, christina aguilera and beyonce knowles seem to have come up with new albums this year that are all, in their own way, mature, sophisticated and ultimately very, very sexy.

i kind of never liked christina aguilera. undoubtedly, she has one of the greatest voices in music, ever even, but i never thought she used her talent well or wisely enough. beyonce, well, dangerously in love was kind of tacky and boring. the collaborations with sean paul and jay-z worked well, while ‘crazy in love’ became the big, no, huge one. justin timberlake has really gotten past his curly-blonde-hair-nsync days, he showed us this even with justified, but in futuresex/lovesounds, he proves it again. simply put, aguilera and knowles and their brand spanking new albums are no match whatsoever for this man and his.

a fair while has passed since these recording artists first made their breakthroughs in the industry. they’ve been there and done it all ; tried raunchy outifts, dyed their hair, grew facial hair, and after all this time, they are writing more of their own music, singing better than ever, and thankfully, a lot nicer to look at too.

futuresex/lovesounds (september 2006) - justin timberlake

for a more informed and somewhat specific description as to why this album seems to have topped the top, i suggest you ask arun, but from me, all i can say is…my my my. the great big hit that’s on everyone’s minds and playlists now, his first single off this album, ’sexy back’, isn’t even the best track on it. ’sexy ladies’, ‘my love’, ‘what goes around comes around’, the title track futuresex/lovesound and the pop ballad ‘until the end of time’ in which he sings along to the benjamin wright orchestra, are all tight, fantastic tracks. ’sexy ladies’ is the track that brings back his trademark of sounding suave (he himself says in it ‘now i might sound cocky…’), it’s gorgeous and fun and makes me want to move. he sings ‘my love’ like he sang ’senorita’, intimate and oozing with heart and heat. he sings truly well on this album, creating a smooth and confident vocal style that is both hip and addictive. if the video to ’sexy back’ is anything to go by, he’s looking fabuloso, too. futuresex/loveounds is all about sophistication, he’s grown up and he’s done it well. finally, someone is bringing is sexy back.

back to the basics (august 2006) - christina aguilera

we all waited a long time for the coming of age of this woman, and finally, she’s arrived. seeming to have, at long last, found just what she is comfortable being and singing, she is rocking and grooving and downright bringing the house down with ‘back to basics’. her musical style has changed from the urban and light rock sounds of ’stripped’ to a soulful and jazz-inspired album. she’s sounding phenomenal, (it seems her voice has found a home in this almost new genre of music), deep, strong and powerful, like any lady of soul. she’s even looking great ; she’s gone through some pretty severe fashion identities and has been seen in some pretty outlandish stuff. stuff that did not flatter her nor the image she was trying to project. after having lost her foothold in both music and image over the last couple of years, she has rediscovered, and remade, herself. in the video to ‘ain’t no other man’, which she sings (imo) better than any song she’s ever sung before, she looks beautiful and buoyant.

b’ day (september 2006) - beyonce

her first single off her hot new album, ‘de ja vu’, is burning everyone up. especially in the world of music videos ; she’s looking amazing, more amazing than you’ve ever seen her look. less synthetic, more wild, more woman. ‘de ja vu’ does justice to all her previous collaborations with jay-z, though perhaps, not better than ‘crazy in love’, this is its counterpart on this album. ‘de ja vu’ is going to become the track that girls will go wild to on the dance floor, trying to imitate the moves they’ve all seen beyonce do in the video, and sing along loudly and recklessly to. the choreography and performance in the video is over-all the best of beyonce i’ve seen so far. she’s all raw heat in ‘ring the alarm’, tempestous and strong, both in voice and body as the video displays. her vocal style hasn’t moved as far down the road of progress as it could have, but she’s definitely singing with more power and less inhibitions. to me, it seems only now that she is totally comfortable with being a solo artist.

there is nothing better or more useful to do with a mess than clean it up.

i’m one for memories. i like looking at old things and getting a little sad, a little nostalgic for everything that has changed reasonably with time. i keep a lot of things that i don’t need and that result in my room being cluttered with a lot of history stashed away in dusty corners. under the bed, in the drawers, in the space between the drawers. every little nook and cranny has done it’s share in concealing and keeping things that are sacred to me from a long time ago. things that can make me remember at one glance, things that can make me cry at one touch.

it occasionally becomes time to get rid of these things, they only take up space and collect dust. i enjoyed their presence once, looking at them longingly, running my fingers alongside the ridges of letters, photographs and cards, wiping away the dust on little, useless tokens, souvenirs.

i am not throwing it all away hastily, flippantly and bitterly. i have had time enough with them now, i feel fulfilled by the kind of life they remind me i had, and i am ready to move on, to have new things take their place.

i discard all my sweet valley highs and R.L stines willingly. i am amused at how well they enterntained me, and grateful also for the maturing in my taste in books. i replace them gladly with my shakespeares, austens, my greek texts, my cult favourites, alex garland’s the beach, s.p somtow’s vanitas, a few mad magazines, a cheap copy of the godfather, all the books that belong to him, all the books that i want to share with him.

i discard so many of my clothes, little, skimpy things that i not only don’t fit into anymore but things that just make me feel like the child i used to be when i wore them. i replace them with things that i’ve chosen to be the representative of my identity over the past year. things i’ve borrowed, bought and come to own (stolen).

i discard so many little bits of paper, so many notes of love from people that hate me now, letters of admiration from people i barely speak to anymore, birthday cards from people whose birthday i have never in my life remembered to acknowledge. i keep the cards from london, the notes i’m passed in class that have gotten me into trouble numerous times, the things that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

i discard so many things that are in my room that don’t belong to me. my brother’s old post-it notes, the remnants of all the pairs of my mother’s earrings that i’ve lost over time, slippers that broke and files that snapped. i, fondly, keep the little things i find that i will still need, desh’s pink lighter, asvajit’s rolling papers, D’s eye liner, my haggard figurine of the blue powerpuff girl.

i clean and clean relentlessly, desperate to banish old ghosts and let in new memories. i sort and throw and pile, wanting badly to let go of things and people that i’ve held on to for so long. i sift and filter, knowing that i can only keep what i truly want, things i truly need.

finally, i take what’s been flung out my door and burn them. i find they take up less space that way. i watch the pile burn and burn, till it’s nothing but a pile of ashes.

it’s the end of ’summer’, and one by one, everyone has to go, everyone has to go back. some of us are hopeful that nothing will change from now until the next time when we are all reunited, but even those of us that dare to dream this way know better. but even those of us that are disappointed with the shocking impermenence of reality know one other thing too : next year, when we are all together again, it will be just like it always has been - bursting to the seams with stories, old and new, additions to the usual suspects, girlfriends, boyfriends, old and new, experiences, old and new - we will find our way to each other and hug and laugh and cry and just be.

last night cousin N packed his bags. we all hugged wordlessly, we held each other quietly and cried a little. some of us into each other’s shoulders, some of us only in our deepest selves. he’s leaving a different person, truly changed by life’s sudden plan for our family. he will come back next year to a different home, a different life, changed, but also the same. i hope, in my deepest self, that we will be able to be what is ‘also the same’, so that we have enough familiarity between us for comfort, but also that we will change, so that life goes on in that distinctive way it has.

we didn’t say much to each other. but enfolded in the hugs (we all even hugged each other and not just him, in an attempt to absorb as much warmth we preserve between the 6 or 7 of us), we exchanged vows of eternal love and silent prayers of good luck. we will all be ok.

so, farewell, to you all. some of you go overseas not knowing what to expect, for the first time to a whole new world of new people and new responsibilities. some of you go knowing what lies at the end of the the journey, good friends, a warm home and a life of routine. some of you go with confidence and some of you with apprehension.

life as we know it, will change soon. nothing will be simple anymore. i try and try to hold onto every moment, every memory, but the harder i hold, the more it slips further and further away from my grasp. i find what little comfort i can in this, in this notion, this knowledge that no matter how complicated, uncertain, challenging or downright miserable life will get, atleast we will still have each other. changed, but also the same, we’ll wait for each other.

goa was amazing. my brother has taken away the camera so i can’t upload any pictures till he’s back from his little joy ride…

goa was quiet but fun. we spent time on the beaches in the north of goa, anjuna, vagator, calangute, baga and arambol. arambol was really nice and i wish we’d had longer there. no doubt, it’ll definitely be on our map the next time…and there will be a next time. maybe more than one next time.

as my mother said my ‘little window of escape has shut’ now. back home, back to the pot holes on my road, listening to my music on a computer that remembers me. back to the million things i have to do and all the people that make my life a joy to live.

it was good to be reunited with the girls in bangalore. i will see one of them back home in a few days and the sisters in december, so i figure i won’t spend too much time fretting… thank you for everything you wonderful women, it was great. can’t wait to see you again.

and A…you made the trip so much better than it possibly could have been. you were so good and patient and we had so much fun. good times forever, my love.

now i’m going to go and sleep in my own bed and bask in the familiarity of home and be sad about how quickly it all seems to have passed, those glorious two and a half weeks of being under absolutely no supervision (!), of seeing new things and meeting new people.

excuse me while i’m being pathetic and nostalgic…