Portrait

…and i could run from the shelter of your home into the pouring rain, into your arms and cuddle in their warmth, and find infinite comfort in their grasp, and unstinted joy in their strength, so that we could dance till we were soaked to the skin and then some, i could watch you smile and move the way no one will ever move, ecstatic from the rain

…that i could wake up in the middle of the night next to you and watch you sleep, you look so beautiful that i want to cry, never wanting this moment to pass, so completely perfect, so wholly satisfying, and i could watch you like this forever and let the crushing, constricting feeling flow out of me and seep into your skin, and then maybe you would know, then maybe you would understand just how much

…i can now reach across her sleeping body for your hand, and your hand will find mine, in a gentle grip that is consoling and friendly, loving and secure, it will find my hand and together our hands will hold each other, just very barely but still truly, honestly enough to mean the world to us both in that fraction of a second, and then we can fall asleep this way till the world wakes us up

…the jealousy of him is innate, i feel like i have been born to be jealous of whoever tries to know you, to love you, but you are not mine to keep, and neither am i your’s, although that would make life simple and nice, we are not to be owned by each other’s selfish love and morals, i love him too now, but mostly because he makes you happy and i can see the joy in your face like i often haven’t

…you have known me too long, too well, we change and grow and disagree and love and live and hurt and cry and laugh and dance, sometimes strained and distant sometimes incomparably close, nothing comes close to what you mean to me now, just now, now that we have found each other in this whirlpool of sadness and confusion, of impermanence, like we always do, exactly when we most need to

…and i dared not move when you fell asleep on me on that long bus ride home, because i was afraid that if i moved i’d wake you, and if i woke you, then i’d disrupt the delicacy, the sheer artistry of that very moment, in which we were closer than ever, in the moonllight i could see your face, your eyes closed, your lips slightly parted in that typical way in which you always fall asleep, and i could have held you there forever if you were happy, and i loved you so unconditionally

…so in this fumbling prose, these disjointed verses, this sentimental garbage that my tired mind is spewing, inspired in the middle of an early morning in which i have just left your side, i am trying to tell you who you are, to me, to everyone, you are you, inherently important and so very beautiful, and i love you, that’s all