Portrait

let’s just go back to the start

someone (who has all the liberty in the world to judge me mind you, only because she knows me incredibly, almost unnervingly, well) once told me ‘your profundity is strangling you’. at that point in time, we laughed at this heartily, but sometimes i worry that this is true.

i love sounding profound. most of the time, i admit i’m full of shit. but i’m one of those idealists that love a nicely worded sentence that makes people go ‘gosh, that makes so much sense’. i love being moved by ideals, i loved being touched by revelations, i love believing that people can be changed by profundity. i love(d) v for vendetta and i love putting faith in my conviction that people can change the world.

i try to keep life simple, and as much as i love thinking ‘i know everything. i know who i am. i know what i want’, i am realizing more and more and that i know so little. i don’t know everything, i barely know anything. i don’t know who i am, sometimes i don’t even know if i’m straight or not. and i sure as hell don’t know what i want, i never have and perhaps i never will.

today, in another profound epiphany i realized with sudden clarity that i have two options when it comes to living my life. i can see that the reality of my behaviour is largely unacceptable to a lot of people and that they will always talk about me. i can either learn to live with this, or change everything about the way i am. i cannot however, continue to live the way i do and expect to be completely respected and admired by all. as much as i’d love to tell you that my decision to remain largely unchanged has come about from some noble notion to ’stay myself forever’, that isn’t entirely true. i can’t change the way i am, because i can’t. i really can’t. for one thing, i subconsciously like it too much, i have too much fun being confused and indecisive. for another, i am almost innately adverse to self control and therefore will never be very good at it. no matter how hard i try, and try i have.

fact is, people will always talk, my mother is older than 50 and absolutely great and people still say shit about her. but i feel it’s almost my duty to be even a little radical, just to make the people that call me a ’slut’ think different, if nothing else. i yearn to change the way people think inside this tiny box and have them see life from a broader dimension. i long to see the generation to which i belong bring back free love and be somewhat reveloutionarily determined to be accepted by a society that stunts alot of what we do and who we are.

as insecure as i sound sometimes, i love who i am, and i love change. as useless as i am with regards to bringing about certain changes in myself that i’m told will result in the positive, i do allow and even revel in change. it is great and inevitable and larger than life. i love youth. it is the only reason i can be someone different, and want something different, every day. it is my best excuse, the glorious scapegoat for every time i am caught off-guard, the truest explanation to all the things i do wrong and all the right things i don’t do.

as for profundity, it’s great. it exists because people need something to believe and something to believe in, something to hope about, something that makes them feel like they know all about life, when actually they don’t. something that makes them feel like they’ll make it through unscathed because they are that much wiser, when deep down inside everyone knows that none of us will ever go through life not having made one slip-up, not having had our hearts broken and our heads fucked with, not having felt like a fish out of water, despite the fact that we’re supposed to learn from our mistakes and become the sum of our experiences.