Portrait

life sucks and shit happens. sometimes, shit keeps happening. but, if by some delusional mistake, you think shit happens exclusively to you, that is preposterously egotistic.

i struggle to hold on to what little i know, what little i know for certain. the rest is a haze. it’s there, steering my life. but it’s a haze. nothing can be prognosticated. everything is glorious and fickle, all at once.

things used to be fairly simple. now it’s a little like livin’ on the edge, constantly. it gets tiring. but i want to embrace it. because i know when it is over, i will regret having hated it while it lasted.

i try and try and try. and fail and fail and fail. but you don’t want to listen to me whining. who does? effort is a strange thing. it takes so much out of me, and more often than not, disappoints terribly. i don’t want to feel like a fool, but more often than not, i do.

i live a delirious cycle of wanting things, getting them, wanting other things, losing whatever i had before and then regretting losing them. it’s hard to tell if i will ever be truly content. but maybe contentment is a myth.

i’m just trying to make some sense out of the reasons, days, goals and memories that is my life. i want to believe it’s ok to screw up. i’m just trying to be. be good, capable, loving, honest, but mostly just be.

i shall see immensity. i shall see, not one segment of this world and this life, but the entirety. the whole, beautiful, terrifying, confusing, wonderful, changing, living, dying thing. that thought is the single most overwhelming thing i know, simultaneously exciting and intimidating.

‘what do you want?’
‘i want to be happy’
‘those are the words of a child’
‘i know’

i do know. happiness is a shape-shifter, never entirely clear or simple. it might even only be something we tell ourselves is out there, in the hope that our hearts will hang on simply because there’s more to life than misery and confusion. and never really knowing.

ah. that’s it. i just want to know. it’s insatiable and lusty and crazy and frustrating. especially knowing that there will never be a way of knowing , for sure. we are doomed, destined to never really know. fated to take endless leaps of faith, meant to make the entire trip with one headlight. what a life.