paradox
this is inspired by past experiences, and is not related to the boy who is both bad and nice, in his own way.
girls, they want to meet the nice guys but they like the bad ones.
my broken slipper, outside a pub. why now? why me? he’s laughing at me, but its not condescending. its amused, affectionate even, but mildly tinged with his usual swagger. that arrogance. i’m at sea. i will never know how to be around him.
i’m not impressive. of course, i try, but he’s difficult to impress. that or he carefully conceals how impressed he is behind a facade of attractive bravado and immodesty. i want to take pictures of him. to save those moments. but there’s no camera, just my eyes.
he makes me laugh. in fact, i can barely stop smiling around him. its ridiculous and embarrassing, and i know he’s tapped into it already. he’s enjoying the entertainment. if i wasn’t me, i’d probably laugh at me too. he’s laughing at me, at everything i say, fully enjoying playing the omnipotent. i should be ashamed, pissed off. i’m loving it.
do i try too hard? is that turning him off? i stare and blush and grin and laugh. my infatuation is painfully obvious. i only want him because i can’t have him. i only want him because he will probably never want me. he’s so difficult. its so magnetic.
outside an office, its a sunny weekday. he plays hard to get like its his job. i’m proud of myself, that i gave into my little impulse, almost masochistically, knowing that it could go terribly wrong. but its alright. he’s surprised, curious. happy? i can see that, and i’m proud.
he’s partially a bad guy. if he wasn’t, i would think him boring and uninteresting. i’m only being pulled apart inside because he’s bad. i would only look at him once if he was nice. he’s charming and disarming, and smooth and cool. this is bad. its bad because its hard to resist.
i know this inside out. i, like most girls, like the guys who take you to pieces. the guys who treat you like shit and swallow you whole and spit you out. you crave the security of having the nice guy, but you will always, inevitably want the bad guy.
later, when the truth slips, i know its the right thing to have done. he’s disappointed. i’m shocked that he’s disappointed. i’m flattered even, but its too late. shit. he’s essentially a nice guy. i’m mad. because i wanted him to be a bad guy.
“girls, they want to meet the nice guys but they like the bad ones.”
Tru that.
Comment by null — March 25, 2006 @ 11:10 am
interesting post…i sorta understand what you mean.. BTW nice pics on yaniks blog.
Comment by bugoy — March 25, 2006 @ 5:31 pm
thephatone/bugoy : you should’ve been at the meetup. it was fun, to say the least.
Comment by electra — March 25, 2006 @ 5:37 pm
impressively honest, this.
Comment by sittingnut — March 26, 2006 @ 4:27 am
some girls have the perfect guy wrapped around their little finger. But then they dump him to go date someone who lies and cheats and makes them cry when they are alone in the night. Pathetic.
Comment by Scourge — March 26, 2006 @ 10:45 am
scourge : my point exactly. you see what i mean? sooner or later, eventually and inevitably, every woman will fall for someone who ‘lies and cheats and makes them cry when they are alone in the night’. not necessarily in that order or in those specifics, but someone who, basically, makes them hurt inside. also eventually and inevitably, the woman will realize that its her loss, having dumped the ‘perfect’ guy. so it all comes around. the least i can say is, it all comes around.
Comment by electra — March 26, 2006 @ 10:40 pm
Ado - I’m properly jealous.
Comment by Sophist — March 27, 2006 @ 7:22 am