Portrait

for all of us who have had those retarded nights.

when you wake up in your bed at 2 am and you cant remember how you got there, you know something has had to have gone drastically wrong. confusion rises and dies in my head, and i’m trying to piece together whatever memories i have to make myself feel better, safer. i have little. a few static images, a couple of random words being yelled in my ear, a familiar smell of someone who always smells the same. i go back to sleep thinking ‘in the morning it’ll all be ok’. it kills me to think, that after all this time and all those times, i can still believe that. nothing is right in the morning. everything is wrong, even more wrong than it was at the wee hours of the day in which you hoped that time, a few hours, some sleep, would make the difference that makes everything alright. nothing is right. my insides are writhing in shame and shock. i feel stupid. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry. laughing seems pompous at this point, and crying seems futile. i’m right on both counts. i laugh nor cry, but sit up and try to make sense of what is happening to me. nothing makes sense. nothing is right. i place a few calls, apologize vehemently to those that were there to witness the horror unfold, but i still feel guilty and shameful. they’re kind and gentle. everyone tells me nice things, ‘we’ve all had those nights’, ‘there’s no issue’. but it doesn’t bring me any comfort. do i deserve comfort? shouldn’t i suffer the embarrassment and indignity in all its gore for atleast one day? i deserve nothing. i’m a waste of time. a huge fucking waste of time. when you know you’ve done things you’ll regret in retrospect and you can’t do anything to take them back, there’s little one can do. the wisest is to know that you are not above it, it may even happen again. i disappoint myself. but the day has begun now. and last night is already something that’s historic. it has already become one of those ‘remember that night?’ incidents that you will talk about and laugh about. but its not funny now. right now im humble and apologetic and guilty. tomorrow will never come soon enough.