Portrait

i am astounded if not fascinated by the response that our resident troll, padashow, is getting from the kottu bloggers and other entities. i find myself almost laughing this morning, as i go through the posts and the comments that are flooding the blog. i can hardly believe the severity and serious-ness of the comments it has received, and the people behind these comments are far from the kind of people i would have expected to respond to such mindless banter as padashow publishes.

so, here’s my two cents. i can’t believe that perfectly intelligent and capable people/bloggers like daytripper, asvajit, sittingnut, sumna, sophist (and the rest of the walalasekera gang) are not only leaving intelligent, capable comments but they are actually bothering to defend themselves and their loved ones. WHY?!

i went a long time, just standing on the sidelines and watching kottu getting their panties in a twist about this monster, but now i think my patience with your impulsive reactions has worn thin. come on, everyone. you have to got to be smarter than this. is it really that obscure that this is probably all one big joke for whoever padashow is? don’t you realize you’re actually giving him/her exactly what they want by responding? and not just responding amusedly, like i would, if i took the time which i don’t even think it worth, by responding angrily, posting threats?

i don’t believe that padashow is genuinely malicious or sincere in his/her statements, no matter how vicious they are. do you?

stop feeding the troll. sooner or later, he/she will become bored by their own game. sooner or later, they will realize that trashing other bloggers alone isn’t substantial enough to keep people re-visiting their blog. they will tire of their own game, and bow out silently. my theory is that this guy/girl is probably seated somewhere, both feet up, as they watch kottu rage about their efforts to bring discomfort and anger, which have evidently been more than successful.

if you are a blogger, you owe absoloutely no one, no one, an explanation or justification of your blog or its existence. you don’t need to defend yourself, you don’t need to offer explanations as to why you blog what you blog and you don’t need to justify why you have a blog at all. you are at total liberty to blog about whatever you want to blog about, as is anyone else. you are ok. don’t let the holy mother of trolls have you believing otherwise, or even writing a response in defense of yourself or someone you know.

blog on, people. ignore the troll. don’t nourish it.

everyone needs to know the importance of closure. nothing quite like it, IMO

if it’s nagging you, finding its way into your thoughts when most uncalled for and worse, when most unexpected, spare yourself the irritation and get some closure. if you feel like you don’t know what the other party is thinking, if you feel like you’re letting the other party walk away with a wrong impression that will last them a lifetime because you never worked up enough gut to explain yourself, talk to them. explain yourself now, and feel reasonably foolish, as opposed to some time down the line, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years (who knows?), when it will most definitely be too late, and you will never have said what you wanted to or heard what you needed to. suffer either momentary embarrassment that you create for yourself, or a lifetime of wondering ‘what if?’. the choice is, as always, your’s to make.

closure is inherently important. also impossibly relieving. and when you’ve gotten what you came for, or not, depending on the situation, remember that no matter what form it took, it is what you need, be it what you want or not. sometimes, you have to compromise. what’s good for you isn’t always apparently so, initially. trust, or in the least, listen, to that little voice in your head that’s saying ‘this is what you needed’. it may seem horribly wrong or painful at the time, solutions don’t always come labelled ’solutions’, but later, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years (who cares?) later, it will all fall into its cosmic order and it will make sense. everything happens for a reason, and it always feels good to finish a book, to know what the moral lesson is, to know what the conclusion is about, at the end of it.

in my experience, there is nothing that is a greater contributer to that glorious stage of ‘moving on’ than closure. it helps you to see things about yourself, about other people, about life and its continuity that you may have been stupidly blind to before. it is a fantastically positive thing.

clo·sure pronunciation of “closure” Pronunciation Key (klzhr)
n.

1. The act of closing or the state of being closed: closure of an incision.

so, finish that chapter, folks. close it, shut it, end it, cut it clean. don’t leave dangly bits lying (hanging) around. they will proceed to rot and annoy you. you will never be free of that baggage that could have been left at the door, you will never be rid of that ‘why?’ and all the other questions that follow that you will never be able to answer, you will never be without regret, guilt, bitterness and wishes. don’t leave yourself, or the other party, hanging, wondering, waiting. find the courage to say what you have to say, exactly like you have to say it, and accept whatever truths are being said to you, exactly like they have to be said. it is always, unconditionally, worth it.

this is inspired by past experiences, and is not related to the boy who is both bad and nice, in his own way.

girls, they want to meet the nice guys but they like the bad ones.

my broken slipper, outside a pub. why now? why me? he’s laughing at me, but its not condescending. its amused, affectionate even, but mildly tinged with his usual swagger. that arrogance. i’m at sea. i will never know how to be around him.

i’m not impressive. of course, i try, but he’s difficult to impress. that or he carefully conceals how impressed he is behind a facade of attractive bravado and immodesty. i want to take pictures of him. to save those moments. but there’s no camera, just my eyes.

he makes me laugh. in fact, i can barely stop smiling around him. its ridiculous and embarrassing, and i know he’s tapped into it already. he’s enjoying the entertainment. if i wasn’t me, i’d probably laugh at me too. he’s laughing at me, at everything i say, fully enjoying playing the omnipotent. i should be ashamed, pissed off. i’m loving it.

do i try too hard? is that turning him off? i stare and blush and grin and laugh. my infatuation is painfully obvious. i only want him because i can’t have him. i only want him because he will probably never want me. he’s so difficult. its so magnetic.

outside an office, its a sunny weekday. he plays hard to get like its his job. i’m proud of myself, that i gave into my little impulse, almost masochistically, knowing that it could go terribly wrong. but its alright. he’s surprised, curious. happy? i can see that, and i’m proud.

he’s partially a bad guy. if he wasn’t, i would think him boring and uninteresting. i’m only being pulled apart inside because he’s bad. i would only look at him once if he was nice. he’s charming and disarming, and smooth and cool. this is bad. its bad because its hard to resist.

i know this inside out. i, like most girls, like the guys who take you to pieces. the guys who treat you like shit and swallow you whole and spit you out. you crave the security of having the nice guy, but you will always, inevitably want the bad guy.

later, when the truth slips, i know its the right thing to have done. he’s disappointed. i’m shocked that he’s disappointed. i’m flattered even, but its too late. shit. he’s essentially a nice guy. i’m mad. because i wanted him to be a bad guy.

yanik has some really nice shots of the blogger’s meetup (i dont even know which blog post to link that to, there were so many descriptive posts!). he’s someone we can all be proud of. when he’s older and taking photographs for really cool magazines, and selling the rest at prices that make your head spin, we can all say ‘oh wow. we saw the first photographs this guy dared to put out on his blog’.

here’s to many more wonderful, fresh, perceptive photographs that will hopefully get even better with time and learning.

my life has become seriously strenous and strange. you know its not right when the things you do no longer make sense, even to oneself, and the reasons why you do them are ambigious and nonsensical. i’ve hit these spots before, and some careful contemplation has always managed to set the record straight. well, more or less. on one hand, my life is on-track in a way that it has never been before. and on the other hand…i have fingers? ok. no, on the other hand, its sometimes really tiring and confusing living life the way i do. this muddled-ness is definitely not as good as the on-track-ness. so i pick the parts of my life that’s on track and a couple of thoughts and resloutions to make as much of my life that way as possible.

i will…

a) quit drinking (so much, so often)

b) quit being such an extreme asshole to CRS (so much, so often)

c) quit believing that i’m fucking invincible and start admitting that my life is as vulnerable to falling apart. just like your’s.

d) pay more attention to feelings. mine and others.

e) put more effort into the outcome of my academic career so as to ensure brilliance

f) not eat compulsively (so much, so often)

g) try to mail tracy atleast every other day. she’s good for me.

h) quit moping unhealthily about the boy’s absence and make the best of the situation. he is too fucking good to give up just because i can’t ‘take the pain’.

i) quit giving up on myself and my strengths so easily. i’m so full of shit sometimes. and damn convincing too. so that’s a dangerous combination.

j) quit swearing (so much, so often).

k) quit wasting my time and be productive. so that means i should get the hell out of here. now.

for all of us who have had those retarded nights.

when you wake up in your bed at 2 am and you cant remember how you got there, you know something has had to have gone drastically wrong. confusion rises and dies in my head, and i’m trying to piece together whatever memories i have to make myself feel better, safer. i have little. a few static images, a couple of random words being yelled in my ear, a familiar smell of someone who always smells the same. i go back to sleep thinking ‘in the morning it’ll all be ok’. it kills me to think, that after all this time and all those times, i can still believe that. nothing is right in the morning. everything is wrong, even more wrong than it was at the wee hours of the day in which you hoped that time, a few hours, some sleep, would make the difference that makes everything alright. nothing is right. my insides are writhing in shame and shock. i feel stupid. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry. laughing seems pompous at this point, and crying seems futile. i’m right on both counts. i laugh nor cry, but sit up and try to make sense of what is happening to me. nothing makes sense. nothing is right. i place a few calls, apologize vehemently to those that were there to witness the horror unfold, but i still feel guilty and shameful. they’re kind and gentle. everyone tells me nice things, ‘we’ve all had those nights’, ‘there’s no issue’. but it doesn’t bring me any comfort. do i deserve comfort? shouldn’t i suffer the embarrassment and indignity in all its gore for atleast one day? i deserve nothing. i’m a waste of time. a huge fucking waste of time. when you know you’ve done things you’ll regret in retrospect and you can’t do anything to take them back, there’s little one can do. the wisest is to know that you are not above it, it may even happen again. i disappoint myself. but the day has begun now. and last night is already something that’s historic. it has already become one of those ‘remember that night?’ incidents that you will talk about and laugh about. but its not funny now. right now im humble and apologetic and guilty. tomorrow will never come soon enough.

my blog is one year old today.

one year ago, on the 21st of march, iroms and i had lunch and she help me set this thing up. i still love her, and i still miss her whenever she’s not here. that, however, is one of those few things that haven’t changed in my life since i started up this blog. as much as i love and embrace growing and changing, i also love the things like that : the things that remain the same and unchanged, no matter what.

the most significant change this blog has brought about in my is that i’ve met some truly wonderful people because of it. i’m thankful, daily, for their existence in my life right now. i’m thankful also, for it has been a vent for me, a place where i can take all these confusing thoughts out of my head and put them down, watch them turn into organized, meaningful words and ideas instead of remaining a loud cacophony in my mind.

i’ve also fallen in love. in the nicest way possible. so, thank you for that.

i’m grateful to and proud of all bloggers everywhere, they are mostly incredibly brave people who are hell-bent on making a positive difference in the world. and even if you aren’t out there, organizing bloggers from across borders to meet and change the global situation, you’re putting your life out there for anyone to read and you’re wanting feedback and responses from others who’ll praise you, diss you, slander you and repsect you, and that’s pretty admirable too.

keep bloggin’.

there was this insane rave at buba, mount lavinia beach, on saturday night. by insane i mean insanely fun, insanely crowded… and insanely fun. i was a little skeptical, a techno and electronic music all nighter isn’t usually my idea of fun, but i went because pretty much everyone i know was there and i needed the sea and the beach.

i’ve been in six performances over the last four days, and its been stressful. i’ve had costume changes that would drive any un-crazy person crazy, junior dancers driving me up the wall and tiring experiences involving emotionally traumatic slandering, annoyed/annoying teachers who sometimes seem convinced that my goal in life is to do whatever i possibly can to screw up their show, and sentimental unloading on poor, unsuspecting individuals. i said i needed the sea and the beach. i wasn’t lying.

sighting mount lavinia for the first time since 31st night, i was initially overcome with memories and nostalgia. i didnt think i’d make it through the night without crying atlteast once. and i didn’t cry. good on me. my girl hun and i arrived late-ish, and by the time we did, the rave was already in full swing. the music was actually ok and i could swear that i can the count the people i know who weren’t there on one hand. of course it didnt matter that the music was good or even that this rave seemed to be as ‘happening’ as they get in colombo. there were the stars (the big lights were ruining the sky, though) and the sand, and the ocean stealing our slippers and wetting our pants, and this would have almost made up any day for a crappy DJ and all the people who weren’t there that i missed sorely. almost. but the DJ wasn’t crappy, and as for all the people i missed sorely…well, there’s little i can do except keep the memories close and the feelings closer.

it was really amazing. standing under the stars, with the waves lapping at my feet and the incessent pulse of the music coming from somewhere close yet far-away enough to not be deafening, watching people dance, drink, and jump in the sea fully clothed, it almost felt like it wasn’t colombo.

i ended up dancing to music that i actually liked, drinking myself silly and seeing hun paired off with one of the most suitable boys i know. there were a tonne of people that i sincerely love being with love, and a tonne of people that i enjoyed meeting for the first time. between sitting on the sand with friends and mutually (!) forced feet-soaking (which turned into entire-jean-clad-legs soaking) in the sea with an intriguing person, i discovered the whole of the mount lavinia beach in my jeans by the time i took them off at home, at 6 am. there’s sand everywhere. i’ll leave it that way for awhile.

i found the post. you can imagine i was shocked to find myself slandered on another blog, (regadring my post high infidelity.) especially since the blog (which i only recently discovered exists) belongs to someone i still remember and talk of fondly. so much for fond-ness. i realize putting this post here and giving you a link to his blog is vicious and asking for more trouble, but as of now i really do not care. i want everyone i know to read this, and tell me, in all honesty, what they think. of course i fucked up. a LONG TIME AGO. the epsiode referred to in this post regarding a cousin’s balcony happened once two years ago and lasted for about 5 seconds. the other, regarding a cinema hall, happened 3 years ago and lasted for a second, it was more a friendly smack on dare than a snog. i regret these incidents deeply, as at that point they were stupid and careless. but i’ve grown/changed since then, and only those who knew me then and know me still will know how much. and anyone who knows so little about my life since then has little if not no liberty to judge me. coming across this post while unsuspectingly meandering through kottu, i was shocked, and worse, hurt. i am really hurt. how silly. this blogger has always been the only person who’s ever said anything genuinely hurtful to me, on more than one occasion, on rash assumptions and split-second changes of heart, but i would expect him to have gotten past this malice. so im hurt, and im kicking myself because im hurt. havent i been sorry enough? havent i apologized and grovelled and expressed my sincere regret ENOUGH? god dammit. when will it be ok?

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Have I ever been bitchy on this? I mean have a ever snapped, or lashed out at anyone or anything? (Other than the LTTE?) I haven’t right? And therefore I think I reserve the right to be a downright horrid, self righteous, asshole today and if you cant deal with it…Then that’s your god damn problem…!
Was going through random blogs, which I haven’t linked to, but tend to visit on and off and came across a post by an old acquaintance…No I didn’t say friend, I said acquaintance!!!! I would give you the link to god awful Blog but in all honesty it severely embarrasses me to think that I, once upon a time revered this particular person!!! its amazing how this tiny number of people fall from grace faster than space junk reentering the atmosphere…I mean people who were relatively ok, over a very short period of time have turned into disgustingly degrading, undignified individuals. I mean all people change, that’s a fact that I have sadly come to accept but generally when people go down the wrong path they usually, at some point in life turn around and say “I was wrong and that wasn’t the best way to go about things” but a miniscule percentage of ignorant idiots, embrace their flaws, have the idiocy to justify their actions and above all, stick to their sluttish ways!!!! Hell…Not only do they stick to these trends the have the audacity to BLOG about them!!!! What am I so fucking worked up about? Infidelity.

Apparently everyone somewhere down the line gets too horny to handle and they end up making out, sleeping or having an affair with someone else. Regardless of life long relationships and wedding vows. Well sorry but this is news to me? I mean just because some people cant think a few minutes into the future infidelity is very conveniently labeled as a human habit…? now don’t get me wrong I don’t know jack shit about psychology, human trend analysis and the intricacies of hormones but I do know that people of moral and mind do not make out with random people in cinema halls and atop cousins balconies and then blame it on inevitability. The particular blogger is known to make these “little” slip up’s on a regular basis but what appalls me is the attitude that accompanies it…I mean understand that you have issues and act upon that? Oh no! Instead you take to hooker-rism and go ahead and get it on with anyone of the male species who willing to suck your tongue!

Ok so now you’re probably wondering what the hell my problem is? Right? I mean its another persons life and why should I get involved? I tell you why? its because I trusted and stood by this screw-like-a-rabbit individual for a good part of my life, defended them without question, and made an utter fool of myself in the process, because after all the time and energy spent she still turned out to be the fastest free thing in a skirt in Colombo!

I mean who the hell is stupid enough to let their emotions get the better of them once in every few months? I don’t get it? I mean it happens once, you make a mess of things, you pick up the pieces, figure out the problem and rectify it. You DO NOT find the whole thing “amusing” and repeat the performance as and when you please and then justify it by bombarding those who point things out with your self justified pre-programmed answers! I guess I could let it go if this concerned person was my age or older but this is a less than 18year old brat i’m talking about. Normal people don’t muck up as fast and frequently as this one does…Its just horrifying to see these “darling” people throw it all away and not have a clue about what the world thinks of them! I guess some people just haven’t heard of limits, morals and above all respect for yourself…I mean I can to a certain extent comprehend the need to casually hook up with people you know nothing about, but how can you do it over and over again without feeling like a whore? Some people are compelled to sell themselves due to poverty and so forth but doing it without rhyme or reason makes no sense to me!
And then theres the cliché answer to it all…”I was drunk/high/stoned” I mean WTF? if that’s what alcohol does to you lay off it for gods sakes…Alcohol is a social lubricant people dont consume it to abuse it, have no idea of whats going on, and lay on a couch with your arms wrapped around whats-his-name?

In my own little two-sense opinion infidelity is a definite sign of a weak, helpless and rather pathetic character. Anyone who is of some moral base can and will fight the urge…If not for love you don’t cheat out of fear of repercussions, being numb to both these warnings is the signature of a failure. We’ve all had the spontaneous urge to get it on with some sweet and sexy unknown but we don’t out of respect for ourselves and the people around us. Infidelity does not concern just two people it concerns everyone around you, your family, your friends, your siblings. But unfortunately certain people are too solid skulled to understand that…Maybe theres some other appeal to it…Other than being the talk of the town? I mean I wouldn’t know right? not like i’ve cheated on anyone…But then again whatever the appeal may be I honestly don’t think i’d be able to deal with the problems of being a “object of ill repute” I mean I know for a fact that people see you for less than you really are and that they talk of you as if you were everyones fuck-toy but is that REALLY that appealing? :s

Whats most irritating is the carefree attitude, claiming to be “a bit of a prude” and expecting that to justify everything…Like saying it out loud makes everything just fine! Yes you are a prude, and that’s putting it lightly but for gods sakes do you have to live by that? sheesh…Some people are just..So…Ugh!!!!!!

*sigh* OK I think i’ve said enough…Whats the point of it all anyways? tomorrow will come and the trend will continue. I just hope and pray that people I know will not end up like the people I read in papers and see on TV, 18 with a kid, or 33 and single. Trust at the rate the aquaintence is going its one of the above mentioned for sure.

infidelity happens to everyone…I beg to disagree. Infidelity is a shallow and spontaneous urge brought about by the lack of self control and dignity. Its one of the many things which set people of character and people who just take up space in the world, apart. It is without a doubt a sign of weakness and lack of restraint. It is by far one of the worst qualities a human being can posses. The betrayal of trust, the disregard for a loved one and the sheer stupidity of infidelity makes it the ultimate flaw. Like a deep gaping crack across ones moral fibre, a stain on the very soul. And I pity and despise those who see it as anything less!

i just made a confession on scourge’s blog. i enjoyed myself at the royal thomian cricket match yesterday.

the only roy tho i actually had any real fun (that is up until yesterday) at was about 3 years ago, when trace and i went together. the last roy tho i enctountered minus trace, i vowed to never go again as i saw it as a colossal waste of time, money and energy. i have nothing against anyone whose idea of fun is drinking for 12 hours straight, most of it in the fucking hot sun, and fraternizing with equally drunk people at a game in which little boys run behind a stupid ball, but the roy tho cricket match means nothing to me personally, and i essentially am not interested in cricket. hence, i never have even half the fun that seems almost contagious in the atmosphere i share with every other person: the old boys, their girlfriends/wives, the present students of the two schools and their girlfriends and whoever else. because if you aren’t there for the cricket and you aren’t there for the booze…well, it doesnt make much sense. i enjoy the royal thomian debates, the waterpolo encounter, the regatta…gosh, even the rugger is alright. but the big match? what a mighty ass no-no. not without trace. its just too hot, there’s too many people (colombo is a small place, and yet trust me, all of it, literally all of it, packed into a steaming stadium on a hot afternoon is nothing short of sauna-hell), everyone is roaringly and retardedly drunk, and there are ten million retarded fist fights wating to happen. but every year, i get wheedled into joining my friends on atleast one of the three days, and at the luxury of getting smuggled in for free, i always risk taking the trip. yesterday, i had an ok time and i’m glad i went. which is saying a helluva lot.

got to SSC at mid afternoon, about 1 30 pm, where the heat was at its most swelterting and the crowds were already fully intoxicated. just seeing the people you see, seeing how genuinely happy and care free everyone is (with thanks to the never ending, ever flowing alcohol), hearing the papara bands and loud cries of ‘fuck royal’ or ‘fuck thora’, depending on where you are, the baila in which the lyrics get masterfully altered (or are those the original lyrics? its been sung that way for far too long to actually know), one gets dragged into the infectious happiness and general euphoria and you’re glad you came before you remember to start complaining. made our way to the corner of the infamous red cow tent, where our friends were already in full swing with the drinking, shouting, singing and even blowing endlessly on some nasal and irritating sounding whistle that issa had proudly purchased. D and D are happily smashed together, (and i’m so happy to see them i nearly wet myself) him much more so than her, and she’s probably not even on anything but the hyperactivity she was born with. issa is in full form, and encourages me to shout ‘fuck royal’ with him to the royal college prefects who happen to be passing. gu and annie are having a ball. and somehow it seems that the oldies are generally the life of the party. the fun thing is that in our precious corner, everyone we need is there. the royalists standing side-by-side by the thomians, chatting happily and dissing each other profoundly and good naturedly. enter min and shari. i’m glad to see them, and we eat ice cream, count the number of times we got felt up, contemplate beating someone up and laugh at the boys, who are behaving, bless their souls, i love them all, utterly ridculously. a.tit is practically crawling on the ground, ‘ranga is extra hug-gy, chikky is shouting, now incoherently, and taz keeps yelling for more beer. no one has given him any for about an hour now. i occasionally scoot over a little to the left to say hi to CRS, and in his happy-high state, i’m reminded incessently of why i’m glad we’re friends.

of course, a fight breaks out sooner or later. it has to. i’m reminded of the days in which my noble cousin N tried valiantly to keep the peace at gatherings like this, which are hot beds for punch-throwing boys, and almost always ended up getting beaten up himself. it never paid to be the negotiator. i mean, these guys are beyond negotiating. they just want to hit someone. any reason, from ‘you touched my girlfriend’ to ‘you called me gay’ is good enough to start throwing around your fist like nobody’s business, and so, something somewhere sparks off a brawl. look to indi for details on that one. it ceases to matter who’s hitting who and who’s on who’s side, and even who’s the guy we’re supposed to be hitting? and boils down to one large scrum-down with sweaty boys one on top of another in which you standing in the wrong place is good enough reason to get the shit beaten out of you. i grab T and head the hell out of our ruined paradise till the fight dies down. it dies down with indi half naked and gu looking a little like he wants to hit indi himself. ‘him and his blog. fuck his blog, nearly got killed, that bugger’ gu explains wisely to me later, punctuating the profanity with rude hand gestures. all in all, indi’s alive and he certainly has a great post, and some great photos.

royal won after 15 yrs. that must have felt good. i, of course, typically me, didn’t cheer for anyone per se. couldn’t make up my mind, to be entirely honest. i dont support schools so much as i support my friends, so there’s decidedly certain events at which i cheer for either royal or thora. i.e, rowing - thora all the way, drama - royal, thora could never act, debates - royal, i just dont like the thomian team, waterpolo - definitely thora. i guess this decision depends on who i know who’s playing/doing what, and since i know no cricketers it makes no difference to me. i’m not a die hard thora fan or a die hard royal fan. i’m a fan of all the boys i know and like in each school and that’s as simple as that.

even though i left not being able to feel my legs and with a mild headache, i was really glad i went. i guess the big match will always find a way to make you say that at the end of the day, no matter what you said before.