the real me?
there’s always this question about what kind of person i actually am. like, in all raw honesty. i dont know.
i’m not sure i’m as nice as people think i am. i am, more than rarely, perfectly capable of being unfairly judgemental and prejudiced, i’m a shamless snob, i’m obnoxious and think i’m better than other people for no valid reason. i also have it in me to be intetionally mean and hurtful to people, and what’s worse, to people i dont know and people who’ve never done anything hurtful to me. i’m a bitch : i’ve dissed other girls, i’ve used boys and still come away thinking everything i do is justifiable. i might even be superficial and pretentious. i’m not as smart as people think i am. i’m relatively lazy and academically un-ambitious. i talk a lot of bull shit that sounds good to the ear, and preach a lot i never practise. i expect respect i may not have honestly earned, and i expect exaltation that i might not honestly deserve. i’m not as kind as people i think i am. a lot of the ‘good’ things i do may not be done in entire sincerity, do i do them to make myself feel better? i try to be kind, but is this so i appease my own guilty conscience? i try to be tolerant and patient, but i’m actually stubborn and righteous and defensive. i find myself to be more accomodating than i was, but there was a time i was impossible to please, impossible to disprove. i’m not as daring as people think i am. the multiple piercings in my ears didnt hurt, because if it had, i would never have gotten it done. like most things about me, its overrated and misinterpreted. a carefully constructed facade. i want to look daring, but i’m not. i’d never go bungee jumping, but i talk like i’d do it anyday. i could have gotten one piercing on my navel instead of four on one ear, but i didn’t because its just too damn painful. i want a tatoo, but i only want it so i can make a statement. i swear a lot and act really sexy, but i’m essentially a prude. i’m not as beautiful as people think i am. i just have an ok body and i’m vain, so i end up dressing alright.
i know this sounds like a self-loathing pool of sorrow and misery, but the thing is, i’m one of the few people i know who is this fine with the way she is. i’m happy. if there’s one good thing about me that i’m aware of, its that i try to be honest and sensitive, because i realize that’s how i want people to treat me. to others, but mostly to myself. oh yeah, and i’m alright with love. i’m a good friend, fiercely protective and loyal, understanding and patient, and definitely fun. i’m an ok daughter, i dont lie and i try not to disappoint. i’m not a great sister, but i really do want to be. whether i’m a good girlfriend or not…i never thought i was, in fact i was exceptionally bad at it. it remains to be seen if things have changed or not. i’ve been called a tease, but that’s only because i dont ‘put out’ and i still try to save people from getting hurt while attempting to extract what i want from the situation. selfish? not totally, but somewhat. i am capable of caring about people and wanting to do whatever it takes to not hurt them, but often i find that i put myself first, even if that means others get hurt. i’m not evolved enough to be selfless, even in the most earnest situations. but i try and my intentions have never (ever) been to tease.
i’ve spent my entire teenage life being called a slut, being told to my face and behind my back that i’m reckless and have no inhibitions. but the reality of it is that i’m really not. only because i’m gut-less. if i was less scared i probably would be promiscous and stupid, given my impulsive tendencies. but i’m not, and i’m proud of this somehow. i’ve ‘done’ a lot less than many people i know, but no one talks about them, because they do whatever they do behind closed doors. i’m a slut because everything about me is out in the open. i’m not shy about it. i’m a slut because i’d go up to and talk to a guy instead of spending weeks looking for his phone number so i can text him. i’m a slut because i spend a lot of time falling in love or convincing myself that i am, and when i am, i act like i am and i talk about it. i’m a slut because i get drunk with girlfriends and talk loudly and dance dirty-ly. what i’m trying to say is, if there’s one thing i’m not, its a slut. there’re a lot of things wrong with me, a lot of counts on which you can bring me down and i wouldn’t be able to defend myself, but i’m not a slut.
this post wasn’t meant to be so self-deprecating. i’m not suicidal, in fact i’m disturbingly fond of the way i am, which makes it hard to change certain things about me. its just that i’ve been pondering on how much i am actually like i pretend to be, how much of me is the way people think i am, alot lately. this post is mostly for me. i needed to write this all down, and see how horrific it sounds. i needed to be entirely honest with myself, and its been long over-due.
The first rule of happiness is to be able to understand yourself, come to terms with your goods and bads (wtp?) and accept yourself. You seem to have done that a long time before I did, well done!
Isn’t it fun how ppl believe that you are so much more than you actually are? I’m quite an overrated person too. It’s quite flattering but as long as you know where you stand it’s alrite.
Comment by ddm — February 20, 2006 @ 1:48 pm
Once upon a time I’d have agreed with ddm, but it’s hard to agree with someone who has hair as horrible as that. It seems like you’re trying to see if you can define yourself entirely in one blog post.
I hear it’s a hell of a drug!
Who we are is something that is constantly changing, and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you can accept the change.
Some chink said that behind every great act of courage there is a huge amount of cowardice, so I think the key is to not really give a crap what people think. I spent a lot of time in my youth trying to impress people in SL and coming over here helped me get rid of that shit fast.
As for being a slut, well, don’t buy into the stereotype. As a wiser man than me put it, a slut is someone who has as much sex as a man wishes he had. Knowing what you want and taking it doesn’t make you one, but just make sure you’re taking it for the right reasons. Casual sex, making out blah.. is fine, as long as it’s truly casual I reckon, but is it ever truly casual for a woman?
In any case, if shit gets tough, there’s always cocaine
Comment by Curious Yellow — February 20, 2006 @ 3:32 pm
youre a legend..thts all i hav to say..
Comment by monsy — February 20, 2006 @ 5:46 pm
ddm : i love your hair. your hair is COOL. dont let anyone tell you otherwise.
curious yellow : ain’t trying to define myself. won’t ever get around to that, because as you say, one can be a different person almost everyday. i’m just trying to accept the fact that, yes, i’m hugely overrated. i dont want to get carried away with all the flattery you know? i’m really not all that. and sometimes that becomes hard to admit to oneself. especially when you spend alot of your time basking in a lot of praise and being egoistic about it. thanks though, your comments are insightful, as always.
monsy : i looooooooove you!!! and that’s all i have to say.
Comment by electra — February 20, 2006 @ 5:58 pm
Yes, people all over the world enjoy cocaine!
ddm has really horrible hair, last time I saw him, he had put pol thel on it, there was so much on his hair that it was oozing onto his man nipples.
Disgusting, but tasty.
Comment by Curious Yellow — February 20, 2006 @ 6:19 pm
curious yellow : what’re you on?
(oh wait…it must be the cocaine)
Comment by electra — February 20, 2006 @ 6:25 pm
ah..curious yellow has a bit of a ‘thing’ for ddm ….if its not his hair ,it’s his cricketing skills..;)no wonder ddm feels flattered
On a more serious note, Elects, its one of the most sincere posts that I have read on the blogosphere in a long time…it doesnt sound suicidal at all(why the hell did u think so?) Wish everybody could be that sincere about themselves…
Comment by Savi — February 20, 2006 @ 6:57 pm
What’re you on about? They’re both atrocious!
Electra, about the baton action, I’m taking it back, yup, I’m taking it back for the
niggerblack man.Comment by Curious Yellow — February 20, 2006 @ 7:50 pm
You have two things going for you as I see it. One, you know you can be mean to others and have been more times than you would like to remember. The trip’s ugly when you don’t even know that you have been mean. At the end of the day we’re all human and being mean and selfish comes with the package. What doesn’t come with the package is a the ability understand the difference.
Two, you doesn’t seem to give a flying rats ass to what people think. Repect, coz I don’t think you can be born with such a frame of mind. It’s something you mature in to. At the end of the day, you are as good as you feel and nobody can tell you otherwise.
……oh yeah, one other thing…eeerr….coke’s a nice trip as long as you can find your way back…..eeerrr……so I hear….;)
Comment by Channa M — February 21, 2006 @ 6:31 am
No matter how many times you say it, people are still going to think you’re a slut. Hell if I met you without knowing, I might label you a slut too, because that’s the kind of dumbass I am. I’m not trying to put you down Electra, you seem perfectly cool to me, this is just how I’ve seen people stereotyping.
My point is that people will always assume the worst, because they probably can’t stand that you’re so confident and comfortable with yourself. They’ll eventually tire of it and move on to the next girl who looks like she’s having more fun than SL girls should, so screw them and keep doing whatever makes you happy. At least your honest with yourself, which is more than most people can say for themselves.
Comment by prose — February 21, 2006 @ 3:43 pm
prose : firstly, i love your blog and i think you’re a great writer. thanks for the vote of confidence, i’m assuming that’s what this is.
Comment by electra — February 21, 2006 @ 6:58 pm
Its everyones favourite pastime - labeling people, putting them into the lil jars and stacking them on the shelves. Everyone does it. Somehow one feels more secure when you know which shelf and which jar the other person is. And then you get the people who really can’t be put into one jar. Or shelf. The kind who don’t really “conform” or “act their age” or “deviate” whatever they keep calling it.
And I always thought you were one of them. And i mean this in a good way. Everyone loves you and accepts you the way you are and as long as the people that matter to YOU accept you and are happy thats what matters right ? And as long as YOU are happy with yourself (evidently
) thats all that matters at the end of day cos you can sit back, sip a beer and say “screw em” and keep smiling 
Love you kos , missing you heck loads. My first comment in months !
Comment by Iroms — February 21, 2006 @ 8:20 pm
iroms said
And as long as YOU are happy with yourself …. thats all that matters
that is the pure truth.
needed to write this all down, and see how horrific it sounds. i needed to be entirely honest with myself, ..
there is a difference between being honest to yourself in private and being honest to yourself in public. i hope you were honest to yourself about that too.
better one knows oneself the better.
Comment by sittingnut — February 21, 2006 @ 10:24 pm
thanks electra. yes that is what it was meant to be
Comment by prose — February 22, 2006 @ 2:12 am
acting’s all good.. that’s what keeps life interesting.. imagine if everyone were absolutely honest about who they are… gaaahh horrible…
Comment by SpectralCentroid — February 23, 2006 @ 9:40 am