high infidelity
if you’ve seen the movie ‘closer’, you’ll know what i mean. that film just left me thinking ‘there is no way two people can be entirely faithful to each other forever’. when i was younger, i used to think casual physical/sexual intimacy was a crime, and that cheating on someone was an even bigger crime. thankfully, i still think its wrong to engage in casual sex and casual almost-sex (i’m a bit of a prude), and i still think its terribly wrong to be dishonest and unfaithful to someone you’re committed to. however, what has changed with time, with me growing older and seeing the world for what it is, is that i’ve come to understand why these things happen. i see acts of unfaithfulness, moments of weakness in which people give in and say ‘what the hell. it’s just one kiss’, momentary lapses in judgement and i understand how and why that can happen to people. even though i will never defend these acts, suddenly, somehow, its very real. i see it happening to people i know, and i’m always aware that i can be vulnerable to the same thing. its no longer something i can say ‘i cannot imagine anyone doing that to someone else’ about. i get it. infidelity is something i condemn, but it is no longer something i dont understand.
people are so weak. especially when they’re lonely. we’ve always made the stupidest choices when we’re lonely, atleast i have. i cant pretend to be entirely without temptation, i cant pretend to be someone who doesnt feel the tugs of desire and has had moments in which she’s thought ‘what if….?’. i cant. that wouldn’t be honest. everyone is tempted. sooner or later. to loosen up a little here, to let go a little there. no one will find out. no one will have to know. but between trying to always judge myself by the same standards i judge other people with (the same things that make her a slut would make me a slut), having a huge issue with dishonesty (nah. i just couldn’t live with lying to him), having definite prude-ish values (making out isn’t something i’d engage in casually! and i regret the times that i have), and having precious friends (go ahead girl, have another, we’re watching you), i manage to keep my life on track and my frustrations in check. a certain incident that took place in the toilet of Glow last year sometime, shocked the hell out of me. the next morning, i was suddenly aware that i too was capable of reckless, drunk behaviour. it wasn’t just something that happens to other people any more. i made a strong resolve that it wouldn’t happen again, even though everything that happened that night happened between friends and it was all good, i just couldn’t risk the same behaviour in say, a different situation. the trick is to constantly remind yourself that its not ok to act on instinct all the time. you can get away with it for awhile, but only for awhile, and only with certain things. that’s kinda the whole point of evoloution. you can’t just do something and then say ‘because i felt like it’ to justify what you did. there have been times when my friends have said, although not explicitly, they’re too good for that, ‘just go for it. you know you want to’. well yeah, you can’t always have everything you want. the trick is to know what’s at stake. it’s knowing what’s at stake that makes all those drunken urges disappear, those impulsive ‘what if i just…’s seem fucking ridiculous. its knowing what’s at stake that makes it impossible for me to imagine stepping over the line.
i see so much infidelity around me. i know for a fact that many people i know are or have been at some point, unfaithful. some have been honest about it, and some haven’t. the ones who have will always have the respect of everyone involved, including me, if nothing else. its sad to see it turning into something so casual and familiar. if you aren’t in a relationship that isn’t everything you could possibly (realistically) want, then get out of it! be honest.
i saw this card on postsecret, and underneath it was this comment : I have never cheated on anyone. But I’m in a situation right now where i’m so close, it’s frightening. This card was a warning sign that I needed to receive, to make sure that one day, that WON’T be my card. Thanks to the person that went through that, and helped me from making the same mistake.
and i know how it feels. to be scared shitless that sooner or later, you’ll fuck up. all it takes is one second. one moment.
come on, everyone. it is unconditionally never worth risking the way something good is, not for a second, an hour, a night of weakness in which you can’t say ‘no’. somehow, whether one party forgives the other or not, whether you forget about it and move or not, things won’t be the same again. it will find some way in which to be different, lesser than before. and that’s just not worth it.
but if i dont cheat, how am i suppose to get through my exams ? and thanks so much for all the help with a certain ycart…
Comment by Boycy — February 11, 2006 @ 8:12 am
boycy, try studying? and yeah…. the y-cart. ha ha.
Comment by electra — February 11, 2006 @ 8:20 am
I loved closer, I think both it and Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind were the best two movies I watched that year, I loved how Julia Roberts’ character never asks for any sympathy throughout. The weird part is, I loved both those movies so much that I don’t want to watch them again because I’m afraid that’ll spoil my memory of them. Is that weird?
Comment by Curious Yellow — February 11, 2006 @ 9:01 am
that isn’t weird at all, curious yellow. i understand. somethings are just better left for your mind to savour in its novelty.
i loved closer too (did you know it was initially a play?) and i loved the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i also thought those two movies showcased some of the best performances in terms of acting since of recent times. i loved/hated all the charatcers in closer. i think that’s part of the impression it’s meant to leave. i thought natalie portman was the star though. she was fantastic. its funny you should talk of memory right after you’ve spoken about the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
our memories are so conditioned and prone to conditioning. which is why i hate funerals. know what i mean? you know, in ‘here with me’, dido says ‘i dont wanna move a thing, because it might change my memory’. have you ever felt that way? that something was so precious, or so good, you dont even want to breathe because you’re scared it’ll change?
Comment by electra — February 11, 2006 @ 10:27 am
+1
One of your best posts yet. The funny thing is, infidelity (and I tell you, Nick Hornby is gonna kill you for the title
happens all around us, and yet, we hear so little of it.
My thoughts on infidelity pretty much mirror yours growing up. As you say however, now I understand. For a while, I used to think that I was beyond it, but then, following a moment of clarity similar to yours (not at Glow, but similar), I realized that, well, nobody is immune.
If you accept the fact that you do get tempted, you can fight it better. It’s something which people don’t often realize.
Anyway, before I run away with my fingers - good post!
Comment by Mahangu — February 11, 2006 @ 2:02 pm
interesting thing to ask yourself is knowing the dynamics of cheating, will you forgive someone for cheating on you? It’s something i’ve thought a lot about but I don’t think there’s a hard and fast answer.
Comment by ddm — February 11, 2006 @ 7:39 pm
I think you’ve answered the question about the dynamics of cheating and sorry to break your bubble ddm, their is a hard and fast answer , but only if you’re a bloke!
Comment by Curious Yellow — February 11, 2006 @ 9:34 pm
You can forgive but you cant forget….
it’ll never be the same,once you have cheated, once that inital trust is broken……….
Comment by Savi — February 12, 2006 @ 2:29 am
You can forgive but you cant forget….
it’ll never be the same,once you have cheated, once that initial trust is broken……….
Comment by Savi — February 12, 2006 @ 2:30 am
ddm : i think that really depends. i’ve seen people in relationships come out and move past ‘cheating’. i would think cheating is unforgivable, but if i know beyond a shadow of doubt that the incident of infidelity was a total mistake and happened in a momentary lapse of good judgement, then the question is : am i really going to throw everything we have away for one mistake you made? probably not. not if we’re already in a steady relationship and i know that it will never happen again. i might get past it (only if it was once!). we might even get stronger as ‘we’. but like savi says, there’s always, always the terriyfing risk that i won’t forget it. and that things will be sub consciously, but even so noticeably, altered for good.
Comment by electra — February 12, 2006 @ 3:44 am
It disheartens me when people say they will compromise on areas like this. Is there no idealism left in romance these days? Please don’t give up on the ideal!
Comment by Curious Yellow — February 12, 2006 @ 9:26 am
its the ideal that we all want, that perfect, old fashioned romance. its the ideal that keeps us from becoming cynical and jaded and its the ideal that keeps us believing. everyone loves the ideal. but its hard to ignore the reality altogether.
Comment by electra — February 12, 2006 @ 9:36 am
I think that the ideals are there for a reason, along with the ten commandments and social norms. They’re to stop us from doing whatever the hell we want, without first thinking through the implications.
I have been on both sides of the fence on this issue and can safely say that I wish to visit neither of these places ever again. Not to say it won’t happen but
Electra’s probably right in that open relationships are best but I have never come across one that has really succeeded.
Comment by Muddleland — February 12, 2006 @ 12:28 pm
muddleland : i dont think i meant to imply that open relationships are best. what does an ‘open’ relationship mean? how open should it be and how closed should it remain? i think open relationships often fail because of human nature, we are bound to feel insecure and start questioning the trust we share with the other party. i doubt we are ever going to be that broad minded and progressive in terms of thinking to ever be fully successful in a relationship that doesnt have the conditions a relationship usually would. love is rarely unconditional, no?
what i think is best is a relationship in which the two people trust each other. if there is no trust, there can be no relationship.
and yes i do agree that ideals give the dimensions of how to live our lives. ideals are made up by history and traditions and are mostly useful. but its important to not always get carried away with the ideal at the risk of failing to see and understand the reality of a situation. its very subjective, and no ideal can tell you exactly what to do and when.
Comment by electra — February 12, 2006 @ 2:32 pm
Electra - Open relationships as I understand them are an evolved state (and I mean way more evolved than I’ll ever be) where two people agree they will be one another’s ‘primary’ relationship. This leaves them room for ’secondary’ relationships which, by their nature, are non-threatening to the primary relationship. You imply trust doesn’t exist in this scenario but it’s the only basis on which it can work.
Some people work on a three-strikes-and-you’re-out-policy, or make up the rules as they go along. It’s fairly simple and logical on paper but… there’s always a third party that’s involved and someone will get too involved and hurt somewhere down the line.
There’s no hard and fast rule for what works and what doesn’t and of course we temper our idealism with reality. At the end, it’s not so much about living up to an ideal, as it is about living up to your ideal.
Comment by Azrael — February 12, 2006 @ 3:09 pm
azrael : ideally, open relationships sound alright. but my question is if it realistically works? is anyone that evolved?
also, if you’re in a ‘primary’ relationship with someone who is important to you and is everything you want, why does one need a ’secondary’ relationship at all? if one who is in a primary relationship wants a secondary relationship too, doesn’t that mean a) they aren’t prepared to be in the ‘primary’ relationship in the first place, b) they clearly aren’t in the primary relationship with the right person?
Comment by electra — February 12, 2006 @ 4:37 pm
problem with any discussion about ‘cheating’, ‘love’ or ‘relationships’ is that these words cannot be defined.
for instance what will constitute unforgivable ‘infidelity’? to oneself and to one’s partner? is it sex, ‘making out’, desire? even if you are specific about that, it doesn’t help, even sex sometimes can mean nothing.
same goes for other words.
imo it is better not to, analyze such things too closely if one is not involved, or draw general rules. each and every circumstance and event is different and have different interpretations. each individual will interpret as they prefer and change that interpretation as conditions change.
you just have to be honest to yourself about your motives and actions.
Comment by sittingnut — February 12, 2006 @ 4:54 pm
Electra - I don’t think there are definites. In anything. Least of all, relationships.
So - are these people in the right relationship with the right person? Who’s to say? You’re where you are because you allow yourself to be. You’re in a relationship with someone for your own reasons. I can’t think of an answer that’ll fit all the possible scenarios. Can you?
I think the basic premise here is that no one person can be everything to you. So you need to make up for what’s missing somewhere else. Now I like to do this with friends but there are others who need to take it further…
Do these polyamorous relationships work? Not in my book but I’m not the sort of person who would appreciate this logic anyway.
Maybe it works in a limited sense? That said, it is worth looking at different options now because clearly the constructs of the average straight marraige don’t work anymore either.
Comment by Azrael — February 12, 2006 @ 6:34 pm
Thanks Guys. You broke my bubble. Well. I’m beginning to understand why my sweet wife of 7 years hooked up with her “best friend”, while I was working on my a** to build a better future, in this frozen land.
Call me a idiot, here I am ready to start life again with my re-conditioned love. We never give up our ideology? Do we? You know, the “One”, true love, commitment etc. etc.
Some times I feel lost. It is not easy to dump all what you believe, all what you treasure so far. Always wanted be a “simple family man”. But now I really don’t know the definition.
Any good articles you can recommend?
Comment by LazyOwl — February 12, 2006 @ 10:18 pm
Very good post - very true. Same realisation i came to a few years ago. I didnt like the movie Closer - i thought it was a good movie but i didnt LIKE it - maybe becos it was so uncomfortably true. Things are really like that and not like on Desperate Housewives.
But anyway…spot on with your post
Comment by rayray — February 13, 2006 @ 6:56 pm
Of course two people can be faithful to each other forever. In my opinion being unfaithful in terms of having a physical relationship is a conscious decision that one makes even under influence of alcohol. I never understood people who came up to me and told me that they can’t remember some things that happened after a certain point the night before. Most of the time they hate to admit what they did or are embarrassed about the whole thing. For you to loose your rational judgment you need to pass out under the influence. This is coming from a guy whose leg is at this moment in plaster due to a car crash while returning from Tabu. So trust me the trip is quite well known.
You can be physically and otherwise be attracted to somebody (feeling being mutual), be under the influence of alcohol, meet every week and still not cheat. Ask me whether I was in love and I’ll tell you “maybe”. Why maybe? Maybe I don’t want to admit the fact. People make a rational decision to have sex but we don’t decide whom we fall in love with. Trust me if I had a chance to leave love out of my life I would. Next time you go around complaining that you did something under the influence, trust me it was not under any influence.
Comment by Channa M — February 14, 2006 @ 8:57 am
channa : im grateful that people, leave alone men, like you still exist. who believe in human error but dont try and park off every scum-ish mistake they make on being drunk. you are right. on every count.
Comment by electra — February 14, 2006 @ 9:33 am
While its cool on one end of the stick, the other end of the stick is really, really fucked up. So! errm…. errrm..!
Comment by Scourge — February 17, 2006 @ 9:20 am
Давно искал эту информацию! Спасибо, теперь я ваш постоялец )
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