Portrait

so. i watched boys dont cry. it was one of the most profound and moving films i have ever seen, and not to completely exalt hilary swank (because i thought her performance in million dollar baby was a little overrated), but she’s amazing in this. its so well made, and the performances over-all are just stunning. it was one out of the two movies (the other being the passion of the christ) which i was so overwhelmed by, i had to stop watching it and then start again after about a half hour. i cried for a good half hour even after the movie was over. i cannot believe that such pure cruelty and brutality exsists in this world we seem to think is full of progressive and civilized human beings. the fact that it was based on a true story, and i know that it is only one out of a million, just broke my heart to tiny little bits. the way brandon teena was treated was unbelievable, and to think that we continue to see such destructive behavioural patterns in men like john and tom even today is so astounding. that there are people who are insecure and threatened by anyone who is different from them, anyone who has different values or lives a different life, so threatened in fact that they will stoop to the most barbaric ways and means of taking out their pathetic frustration. its SO tragic. these are the times when i idealistically think ‘i have to change this world’. when i feel this burning desire to round up all these loser bigots…and do something really horrible to them. how can there be people like that? boys dont cry draws the viewer intimately into brandon’s life and story, and one immediately falls in love with the boy, his charm, his idealistic, romantic innocence. while it doesn’t dwell too harshly on the reality of the violence of the actual situation, it was not so much the visuals i found unbearable as the feeling in the violent scenes. i found it so difficult watch someone being so harshly ripped of their dignity and sense of identity. kimberly pierce, the director of boys dont cry, once made very specefic mention of the violence factor in the movie. whilst she didn’t want the audience to be repulsed by the brutality of it, she said she believed that the reality of the hate crime had to be revealed in its ‘totality’. after shooting brandon dead, they stab him, and shoot again at his dead body before leaving it. the sheer enormity of such hate did something to my insides. its so inhuman. or so one would think. but clearly, its not.

i stayed up the whole of last night. i managed to fall into this uncomfortable, in-between-dreams sort of erratic sleep at about 4 am from which i kept waking anyway. i couldn’t sleep because i was having severe breathing difficulties, a pounding headache that had me thinking i was seriously going insane and terrible stomach cramps to top it all off. somehow i don’t feel sleep deprived at all now though. i woke considerably early, about 10 am and now i’m feeling a lot more ‘lively’ than i have for the last 2 days. lively here does not mean what it usually would. lively means i’ve watched the whole of the 1st season of the L word (looking at a screen doesn’t make me wanna puke anymore), i’ve been OUT OF BED (sitting, walking, talking doesn’t make me feel woozy anymore). woozy is SO a word, btw. anyone who thinks otherwise is probably an alien from a different universe altogether in disguise. watch out, it might be evil.

i still dont feel up to getting out of the house. but methinks that’s mostly just the laziness as opposed to any actual sickness. i cannot imagine going through the trouble of actually getting out. oh god. i didn’t think being sick for three days would mean i become boring ms. domesticity. i hope not.

anyway, here i am. padding around in shannon misso’s blue rubber slippers, listening to incubus unplugged and reading eragon by christopher paolini, basking in my mother’s most amazing TLC.