an effort invain
i tried to not cry. i swear i tried. it didnt quite work though. had to rush from the entrance to the lady’s at colombo plaza sobbing my eyes out quite loudly the minute he walked out that door. the entire troop of girls i was with followed at my heel, hence heightening everyone’s suspicion that something (with us or otherwise) was fundamentally wrong. he was there so briefly, and when i hugged him everything inside me just…crumbled. everything just got constricted and painful.
i’m gutted. that’s the only way i can even begin to describe how i feel. i dont feel like trying to elaborate on this. i dont feel like much at all, period.
i had a violent reaction this morning to the dinner last night (and to him leaving. sub conscoiusly, im pretty certain that this had a lot to do with it as well.) threw up a bunch of times and felt completely wasted till my grandmother gave me the usual ayurvedic muck (that worked like a prayer) and i slept on it for about an hour. woke up feeling back to normal and re energized.
what for? it was only to feel deflated again.
i calmed down after awhile, realizing that, over the last 3 days i’ve been preparing myself for this. everything, every emotion, has been heightened. felt more. i have been bursting into tears at the most random moments. i have been crying unreasonably, and having these full blown panic attacks; ‘what am i doing? what am i going to do? NO, dont tell me to calm down! i cant clam down. why should i? he’s going away isn’t he? so, no, i cant calm down. i cant even bloody breathe, what’s this about calming down? DON’T tell me to calm down!’
i dont know how i’m going to find the strengh to cope with this, but i’m certain beyond a doubt that this is what i want. to miss him, to be apart and try and still be ‘together’, the heaviness from not having the one person that i have wanted this much in a long time, the unbearable and overwhelming sense of panic that pushes through me…yes. this is what i want.
Reading through his blog and couldn’t help but put 2 n 2 together!
So is he?
Comment by Rishi — September 19, 2005 @ 2:59 pm
Elects,pick yourself up woman,trust me I completely know how u feel,except an year ago I was the one who was leaving n he was the who was being left behind…..anyway the first few days are probably the hardest and the worst to live through but trust me if u two could get through these few months..you guys could get through the rest of it…..
I know its a challenge,but from what I have seen of the 2 of u…I’m sure you guys could make it…and would definitely make it…..
Drop me a line sometime….
hug
Comment by Savi — September 19, 2005 @ 8:05 pm
Fads-whores unite! Thanks for the visit
Wish I could make a poignant observation but your latest post is personal and not an irreverent one. So, here’s some kiribath instead from the new blog opening: http://www13.brinkster.com/tormel/breakfasts_kiribath.html.
Comment by Mephistopheles1981 — September 20, 2005 @ 12:36 am
Just can’t help but remember the number of times I said goodbye. So I guess I could say I know exactly how you feel.
Savi: It ain’t as easy as you say….
Comment by Scourge — September 20, 2005 @ 4:27 am
Sorry Electra- Do delete my post!
Comment by Rishi — September 20, 2005 @ 9:50 am
meph : i think i was very attratced to the term fads-whores more than anything else on your blog. interesting though…maybe a little too cynical for my tastes, but interesting nonetheless
i must say im not one for fads really, except maybe blogging…so im probably not going to make a very good fads whore.
Comment by electra — September 20, 2005 @ 10:31 am
“I dont know how i’m going to find the strengh to cope with this” - Mung Ata , Red bull or failing which some intensive working out @ power world… i take it, this writes me out of any chance encounter with Tracy ?
Comment by Boycy — September 20, 2005 @ 10:47 am
boycy : good lord yes. why would i want my best friend to have anything to do with someone who gives such utterly useless advice? nice try though, a few more times and you just might get it right. :p
Comment by electra — September 20, 2005 @ 6:04 pm
try writing some poetry.
though there is a risk.
‘i wonder who first discovered the efficacy of poetry in driving away love’ - elizabeth bennet - pride and prejudice
Comment by sittingnut — September 20, 2005 @ 7:56 pm
I’m sick of just quietly reading your blogs and not knowing what’s goin on…
not that i have any right to know…
i should have asked…
but WHO IS HE?(current bf OR random guy who works at the plaza who u have a crush who is movin jobs? OR current man u r in love with but the love hasnt yet been spoken?) WHERE IS HE GOING? (study overseas??? OR new job??? Killinochchi to join the new LTTE gov?!?!) ahhhhhh
hmmm
i’ll shut up now
it’s none of my business…
then again i hate not having electricity in this damn town all the time! my laptop battery is gonna die…
sigh..
Comment by Dugi — September 23, 2005 @ 2:00 pm
dugi : HE is : random hot guy who serves coffee at coffee stop and is moving jobs to the other end of the world to serve coffee in some other coffee place. cool? sigh sigh sigh.
what am i going to do with you?! lets say i pick ‘current boyfriend’ out of the first lot of options, and ’study overseas’ from the other lot of options.
Comment by electra — September 24, 2005 @ 6:14 am