messy…
how messed up did that last post turn out to be? the only good thing was that yeah, i did manage to articulate quite a few things i’ve been struggling to say, and yeah, the right person responded quite ok-ish to it.
i hate when D does that. he seems to be doing it more and more nowadays. draws up these far fetched conclusions, and then has fits about them because usually their quite melodramatic, horrid, and well, far fetched. this habit on his part lead to a lot of our fights sometime ago. not that i’m a calm, clear-headed person either. i flare up. i shout back. it used to get quite aggressive till one day i decided ‘i cant anymore’. just for those of you who are confused, no, i did not cheat on him. we had broken up more than a year before the night on which i drunkenly landed a misaimed peck on someone’s lips, when it was actually not meant to land there. the someone (come on D….you guys are barely cousins. it was only extra difficult because you knew him, but admit it. wouldnt you have reacted almost as lividly even if it had been someone else?) is related to D. after having confessed that yes, i did think i liked someone, D and i fought like we had never before, and that’s saying a lot. i remember the utter feeling of sheer devastation the next morning. i had just given up. it had become like fighting with my brother. after awhile, you realize you’re arguing with someone who’s not listening. not because their mean, or evil, but because they, like you, are convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that they are right and there is nothing more to it. so i just let him shout, and let him accuse me of all kinds of things, and let it slide simply because i had just given up. like he himself admits, its difficult, even now, to explain the kind of relationship we had, and continue to have, in a strange, strained sort of way. true we are estranged from each other almost completely, but he is someone i could never betray the trust of and feel ok about it. he eternally matters to me. technically, what happened that night was perfectly normal, and usually, no one, especially not some protective ex boyfriend, would have the right to tell me it was not. but this wasn’t just anybody, this was D and i. all technicalities were immediately discarded when it came to us. at that point, it was difficult to say if we were hurting each other more by being together, or staying apart. both were damaging. both were irresistable.
i’ve said too much. as always.
ps : D, don’t be too offended. i blog as an anonymous entity for a reason. this is my personal blog, and basically, the diary rules pretty much apply. my space, my writing. capische? 
why do some bloggers open up their bodies and expose the dirty innards? is it the result of ostentatious vanity, like keeping a diary addressed to no one in particular, as opposed to a diary addressed to yourself? but even those diaries were either published when their creators became famous and/or dead thus proving it was not all vanity or they were justly forgotten and turned to dust like their creators. but bloggers like this?! what do they deserve other than comments?
Comment by suranga — August 4, 2005 @ 10:53 pm
suranga: Looks like you completely missed the point of a Blog. Do bloggers blog with the sole intention of having someone read what they write or do they simply write without concern for whether or not it gets read? The beauty of a blog is being able to write, write about what you feel, about who you feel. It doesn’t matter whether the rest of the world knows who you write about or what you write about, as long as you know.
It seems that Electra’s previous post was meant for someone or the other; who knows except her? who cares? its an insight to how she feels about someone. However by the looks of things, it seems that the post cause quite a few “if the hat fits, wear it” situations.
Do people who eventually end up famous start writing their journals wanting someone to publish them upon their demise? As a reader one is capable of reading and formulating their own opinions and perhaps even letting the writer know via a comment. However the writer has all the freedom in the world to offend, shame or glorify whoever he/she pleases. That my friend is the beauty of a BLOG.
Comment by Scourge — August 5, 2005 @ 5:46 am
scourge : thank you. took the words right outta my mouth.
suranga : sure, the arena for comments are for my readers. but i dont write to get comments. somedays there are posts with NO comments, some days posts have over 20. if i write something in order to get some feedback or some response, then i undoubtedly will, because most often, i will ask for it. but some of the time, especially these last two posts, i didnt write for anyone. i didnt write for any feedback, any commentary, any praise or any insults. i dont know if you’ve noticed, but as scourge says, some of us dont write for any particular reason. we just write. if i was writing out of vanity, which i dont, that would mean i care about the kind of image i’m prjojecting. well, all you need to do is a read a few of my other posts and you may see that i write a lot of stuff that doesn’t actually help project a good image of myself at ALL…
its very very simple. as a reader, you either read my posts and leave a comment, or you read and you dont leave a comment, or you dont read my blog again at all, if you think i’m vain and ostentatious.
Comment by electra — August 5, 2005 @ 7:14 am
well hmmm… blogging is indeed a fantastic way of expressing oneself, but it can hardly be considerd a private journal.. simply because its published on the www… “Do bloggers blog with the sole intention of having someone read what they write ?”.. of course they do… because if they wanted the writing to be absolutly private, it could be done in a file on local disk… or if its just meant for a select bunch of people, there’s the concept of web groups/mailing lists…. whatever the intention maybe, its quite impossible to keep the writing absolutely private.. although one might only give out the url to a certain number of people, anyone might just stumble across it due to a key word web search result… bloggers should also realize that remaining anonymous is tricky.. a relative, friend, partner, boss, an ex reading might figure-out who it is based on a descriptive post about a specific situation/incident… but its all fine if the blogger doesn’t give a shit about that kinda thing (although a clear majority seem to prefer some level of anonymity… )
as for the readers.. its good just practice to know when to comment and when to remain passive..
Comment by SpectralCentroid — August 5, 2005 @ 7:31 am
oops.. that was meant to go before eletra’s comment…
Comment by SpectralCentroid — August 5, 2005 @ 7:33 am
SpectralCentroid: Its relatively easy to keep your blog away from others. I have another blog, which is private. i have installed a visitor tracker on it too, just in case someone ’stumbled’ on it. However it hasn’t been indexed on any of the search engines due to a piece of code i’ve put on the meta tags section. Thus, no one reads that blog and so far no one has stumbled across it.
Using a blog instead of a piece of paper or a paper journal or a file on the HDD could be the fact that, you have a time and date stamp on what you write automatically. Your HDD could fail and lose all your data. You get funky templates and you can make the blogs look nice. Its on the web, which means you can’t forget your journal wherever you go. Its private.
As for being anonymous, you are right, you run the risk of being recognized by someone. I had that experience once and it wasn’t very nice. I don’t blog for anyone. Its nice to know that people read your posts and place comments. Its nice. But I don’t write so that people can read. I write what i feel and think. People are free to read if they want. if they don’t want, they can just stay away. Quite simple, really.
Comment by Scourge — August 5, 2005 @ 9:04 am
just to add my 2 cents worth… I find anonymous bloggers the most fascinating, simply because they need have no inhibitions about expressing the way they truly feel. Self-censorship on Electra’s part would’ve made the “For Him” post a garbled bunch of mush. However the freedom and clarity with which she expressed herself made it a post that was interesting and insightful, even to those of us who do not know her personally (especially to those who enjoy studying the human psyche). So thanks Electra for the raw expression and instensity with which you write.
Comment by Stephen — August 5, 2005 @ 9:11 am
scourge: didn’t know about the index evasion code thingamagix.. neat.. plus i’ll take your point that having a journal online enables posting from anywhere…
Comment by SpectralCentroid — August 5, 2005 @ 11:07 am
Quite aggressive? you make it sound as if we beat each other up! well…sigh…yes…my fault totally…accepted…as it almost always is (accepted again) and through it all, after all this time its comforting to hear you say that i’m not merely a face in crowd. So this is me humble and apologetic for a very messed up and utterly stupid fight! (AGAIN!!!!)
ps. What are your thoughts on forming a fight club for couples? You & I, we can fight and fight and fight and then blow up some big significant place! fit dha? who knows, you might wake up one morning and realize that i never existed! that was merely a (hot, charming, darling) figment of your wild imagination!
Cheers, Until our next episode! TC. D.
Comment by D — August 5, 2005 @ 5:55 pm
let’s be honest . facts:
1.public blogs are well, public.(scourge your logic goes round and round)
2.so called blogosphere in sri lanka consist of a sort of a old boys’ (sorry girl’s)network where everybody seems to know everybody else, and with lots of mutual back scratchings.so nothing is really private.
3. this and previous posts were … well read them and the comment on the previous one .. vanity is vanity and the intestines stink!
4. i can’t stand elitist liberals(in the american sense). and i have lots of time to waste popping bubbles.
suranga
Comment by sittingnut — August 5, 2005 @ 5:57 pm
people people…see? this is what i love about blogging. a marvelous accumiliation of such a variety of opinions, views and ideas.
suranga : i dont write FOR anyone. but the difference between blogging and keeping a journal for me is very very simple actually. there are a few. the first being that, quite frankly, maintaining a blog is somehow something i find easier than maintaing a journal on paper. how many diaries and travel journals i have lost, you dont want to know. also, yes it is interesting and motivating to know what other people think. for example, i would never have had the patience to keep such a detailed account of my trip as i did a few weeks back on paper. it would have bored me to death, but later i would have regreted not having some reminder of what i did and where i went. but, i consistently blogged throughout my entire trip, driven by people sharing similar experiences and what they knew about the places i visited and the things i did on my blog. yes, i do not write for anyone. but sometimes it is nice to know that there are people who feel the same, who think the same, and at the same time, to not be held back by any inhibitions that a normal conversation would bring about (am i being offensive? does this person care what i am saying? do they know what i mean? is this being too forward?). most people here have no pre conceived notions about me. their opinion are unbiased, honest and refreshing. this is my space, and i can freely say what i wish to say when i wish to say it, without always having to watch my back. and true, i may be recognized, people may figure out its ME…but still, it doesnt disturb me, because in my mind, i’m allowed to be honest, straight forward, and rude even, if that be the case. only here. just here.
Comment by electra — August 5, 2005 @ 6:25 pm
good for you! now that’s honest. be vain, be rude, be whatever you want to be, but always be honest to yourself.
suranga
Comment by sittingnut — August 5, 2005 @ 8:25 pm
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Comment by testanchor725 — October 16, 2005 @ 1:39 am