Portrait

he who this post is for, will (hopefully) be aware that it is him i am addressing. the rest of you, just ignore it…

firstly, i’m not in love with you. contrary to what you think, and as much faith as you seem to have in your prognosticating (!) skills, rest assured, if i was in love with you, you would know, beyond a doubt. me being in love is not a subtle, gentle kind of thing. it explodes from within me, coming out with desperation, passion and utter helplessness. i would tell you if i was in love with you, because if i was, i would know no other way of dealing with it other than by telling you outright. this would be the only way i’d live with myself. this would be my only release. i would not be able to contain myself, restrain myself from shouting it out. the elevation would lead me to bubble to the top and spill over.

i like to think i have been in love. i do believe that i have. this is the only way that i can feel that i’ve lived a content person so far. that i’ve lived a wholesome life so far. that, if love were to happen to me again, i’d recognize it, and never miss it. this is the only way i can feel happy and satisfied in a time that is completely devoid of the elevation that being in love brings. i have known the lifting happiness, the hungry need to be wanted, the deeply gutting feeling of being left behind. the life changing-ness of it all is unforgettable. you will tell me i know nothing. after all, i am a child, huh? but no, therefore i’m not in love with you. if i was, it would be unmissable.

you do matter. you matter in a strange, undefinable way that does somehow take up a fair bit of my being. i cannot tell you something collosal like ‘you mean the world to me’, but niether am i finding it possible to cut you out completely by saying something like ‘you mean nothing to me’. i think right now, the importance of you to me, lies precariously between those two extremes. i think it would be safe to be saying something like ‘you mean a lot to me’ and leaving it at that.

i do think about you. i have entertained the prospect of you and i being ‘together’, it would be almost silly to pretend otherwise, but this is not the way i think about you most often, and certainly not the only way in which i think about you. in a normal day, the most normal things renind me of you and sometimes make me smile. i think about your stupid jokes, your insane theories, at the most random moments, in the most random places. these thoughts come and go with bursts of affection, but never am i overwhelmed enough to think to myself ‘i’m in love with him’.

i do like you. you’re funny, you’re a good listener, you’re sensible, but also not afraid of taking chances. we are compatible enough, but also different enough to learn from each other. it has been nice knowing you, finding you, finding someone like you, like me. here again i’m not certain i can say something like ‘i need you in my life’, it has not reached that stage. but something more like ‘i like having you in my life’ and leaving it at that.
tied with this, i think, comes certain levels of caring, certain feelings of fondness, and yes, even possibly certain amounts of love. love has always been a big and imposing word, that implies not just one, but many dynamics of a human relationship. its tricky to know when to and when not to use it. so maybe right now i shouldnt be saying ‘i love you’, but something more like ‘you’re a person i can love’.

i dont care about you enough to be sacrificial and selfless, but you being happy is somewhat important, and i am willing to do certain things that may help induce that happiness. i dont feel fond of you to an extent where i am violently protective, but i will defend you, and the good things about you that i am aware of if the need arises as best i can. you aren’t an inseparable part of my life, but i think it would pain me somewhat if you and i suddenly ceased being friends. i dont miss you, but i like talking to you, and i like being with you while we are talking and while we are together.

bascially, i think it’s just good enough to say, that i’m glad i know you, and i’m here if you need me, and thanks for everything. these may sound like simple and cliche words, but if you know the sincerity with which i say them, and i think you would, you would know that they are worthwhile. you’re an interesting, kind and complicated individual. thank god for that.