Portrait

i’ve been passed the book baton by Iroms, my woman, that i miss very much.

number of books on shelf:
good lord…i have no idea. all my books aren’t even only on the shelf in my room, they’re on shelves all over the house. my grandfather has a massive collection of fantastic books, from fiction, to history, to stuff on film making, drama…and of course, all the good ole classics. number of books on shelf…i have no idea!

last book purchased:
um…technically, lysistrata by artistophanes, but that was mostly for academic purposes, so does that count? otherwise, it would have to be ‘my fat brother’ and ‘the fabulous girl’s guide to life’ in london. oh no…wait. harry potter and the half blood prince from vijitha yapa.

book reading right now
‘the wild sargasso sea’, by jean rhys. rhys is a great writer, her style is beautiful, both contemporary and olde. this book itself is stunning. remember charlotte bronte’s jane eyre? well ‘the wild sargasso sea’ is about the mad woman in mr rochester’s attic, bertha mason. well, not bertha per se, but about the wild, west indian woman from the tropics who falls in love with an englishman and then moves into her english life to find that her husband is not quite what he seemed. followed into england by vicious rumours of her promiscuity, rumours that her husband belives, she slowly begins to descend into insanity, driven mad by the lack of trust and insecurities, only to be locked up and put away like she doesn’t and never did, exist. its a captivating and touching book, really nicely written. i also just finished ‘for matrimonial purposes’, by kavita daswani, a hilarious book about indian weddings and arranged marriages. eager to start on shyam selvadurai’s new one, that’s right now sitting on my bed, ’swimming in the monsoon sea’.

last 5 books read:
1.harry potter and the half blood prince
2.girls in pants (the last of ‘the sisterhood of the travelling pants’ trilogy)
3.for matrimonial purposes
4.my fat brother
5.elephant and ice & singing against the wind (both collections of poetry by the same author)

books that mean a lot to me:

july, karen roberts.
a thoroughly melodramatic and romanticized account of the july riots, but sweet and sentimental nonetheless. a tear jerker, this is special more than anything because of when i read it. it was a special time in my life, and i always associate that time and that place i was in, with this utterly soppy book.

funny boy, shyam selvadurai.
very, very sweet book. beautiful and personal, it makes me feel like i’m not as weird as i think i am. helps keep things in perspective.

sophie’s world, josteein garder.
a stunning and deeply philosophical book. this was recommended to me by my grandfather. it questioned so many things when i read it, i thought i was going to burst with curiosity and the sheer, insatiable need to know. who are you? where did you come from? where does the world come from? superb.

all roald dahl’s, the narnia chronicles, the lord of the rings trilogy and the harry potter books.
books that no child should grow up without.

the sisterhood of the travelling pants books, anna brashares.
an amazing and (almost painfully) realistic story of four girl friends. i love this book, because its everything it has to be. it caters to girls, no doubt, and it brings out all the essentials. all four of them are wildly different, yet so the same in many ways. their friendship that is evergreen and ever lasting, is far from perfect and unflawed, but is solid beyond belief. there are no happy endings, there are REAL endings. it talks about the best and worst things about growing up, being a teenager, being a girl, and having girlfriends. these books inspire me to write about my girlfriends, appreciate them, think about them and think ‘wow, what ever would i do without them?’.

passing on the baton to:
the one true cool guy
indi
sittingnut

the word ’shakes’ should essentially bring to mind a delicious double thick chocolate milkshake from commons, or in the least that bit in the song by outkast ‘hey ya’ where you feel like he’s instructing you to have an attack of epilepsy (’shake it, shake shake it, shake it like a polaroid picture’)…but for some of us, it only means one thing. the annual all island inter school shakespeare drama competition.

every year, rotinely, religiously and without fail or hesitation, many schools (especially the bigger ones in colombo) begin the tedious task of preparing for putting up the best half hour on stage. from making fake blood, to learning to laugh a high pitched squeal at any given moment, to enduring day after day of the same people and the same crazy antics, to (as we saw this year) twisted ankles and bruised arms, shakes offers it all. the once-in-a-lifetimes experience of participating in the biggest inter school drama competition of the year.

increasingly though, this seems to have turned into something that the initial organizers never foresaw. an innocent compeition that was begun many years ago with the ambition of allowing children from technically anywhere in the country (well, technically, because as outstation as it gets is still kandy) to learn about, portray and understand shakespeare, has now turned into (especially amongst the ‘richer’ colombo schools) a full blown war, the opportunity to spend thousands and thousands to create the most magnificent spectacle they possible can in the period of a maximum of 30 minutes, the chance to win…or else. the trophy has become much sought after. boys have fought (literally, fist fought) for it, girls have cried (no, bawled) for it, directors have…well the directors have something to complain about every year (the judging was unfair, no? the acoustics here are shit, no? that one pulled for that school. that one hates us anyway).

whilst loving having been a part of the ’shakes experience’ (where bonding with each other is a requirement, where junk food, climbing onto the school roof, moving into the hostel the last week before finals, having hunky royalists helping us back-stage and making friends family like never before are all traditions), its sad that people have been so driven by the competition itself, that room for humility and the desire to solely create good theatre has been entirely lost. it has lost its purpose.

it overflows with animosity, animosity between participating schools, between rival directors, between the organzers and the participants, between individuals, sometimes even on the same team. it overflows with egocentricity, where kids cant accept defeat with grace, where they find everyone to blame but themselves if they do not get what they came for. it is no longer an exceptionally fun learning experience which essentially, is all it should be. it is not the vibrant competition my mother and her friends remember, where this was their chance to meet their friends from other schools and applaud them whilst they were onstage, this is a chance for boys to beat up other boys and for girls to think of the best ways in which they can sabotage other girls. i’m not even kidding. it has become a vicious, vile game of win or die. poor old shakespeare would probably be turning in his grave if he could witness this. it has lost its vibe, its aura of friendliness.

it is no longer good enough for a team to get onstage and do their absoloute best. its sad really, because your best is all that matters.

really, i cant explain why i was away better than to say that a) i had technical issues with my laptop, and more importantly b) i was really really busy.

i’m acting in this play due to go on boards at the wendt from the 9th-11th of september, and rehearsals are just beginning to heat up, director is beginning to slowly go insane, and the cast is beginning to feel helpless and stressed out. what else is new?

i kind of miss my brother. everytime he goes away i’m always left wishing we had a better rapport, that i knew more about him somehow, that we connected easier. with my brother, it’s always been about three things. mystery, mystery, mystery. i never ‘get’ him, never know much about him and his life, and thats kind of sad, because from what little i know, i do know he has a most exciting life. i better pen off this subject before i start saying things i’ll regret!

also, tracy (my friend, not my teacher) is taking up a fair bit of my time! quite willingly mind you, i find myself seeing her on a daily basis, and we’re spending every possible spare minute going back to our eccentric and slightly weird ways. i know i know….i’ve been told a variety of things, ranging from ‘are you guys, like, joint at the hip?’ (yes, we are) to ‘GET A ROOM!’ (charming idea, thanks). i can barely believe she is going back in another two weeks, and she has already been here for as long.

i watched (as savi has already informed many of you) mangal pandey. i was truly impressed, being a little cynical yet simultaneously intriguued by ‘hindi’ movies. aamir khan is a truly gifted actor, he carries this role off with flair and feeling, both sturdy and sensitive at the same time, and yet not overly melo dramatic (meaning he doesnt bawl and slobber and shit). i just sat there thinking ’shah rukh khan could never play this role’! rani mukerji, a personal favourite of mine anyway, is also pretty damn stunning. the film, on the whole, is exceptionally well made. the music, by a r rahman, is fantastic (hence the ’song scenes’ are more than bearable), the cinematography is beautiful (the sets, the locations, the way all of it is shot is simply breathtaking), and the stroy line is interesting (the torn-apart-lovers dont even take the main stage, how cool is that?).

my life goes on, full steam ahead. await the finalized list of hotties…

between trying to meet deshan’s deadlines, getting hit on by someone who does it impressively well, and determinedly refraining from making any commentary on the murder of our foreign minister, life goes on quite unpeturbed.

however, morquendi, anush, scourge, ian, mahangu and indi all have interesting things to say, and take different stands in this issue. i for one, dont know what to say, think or feel. while being truly disgusted, i would also like to remind everyone that it may not be as black and white as many of us think it is. this is the real life, this is a very serious issue that goes far beyond our heated one-on-one debates about the privatization of universities. take a while before you make rash statements to think carefully about what your sincere opinion is and not get caught up with the flow of other people’s theories, everyone is talking alot these days. remember, all our blogs are read by a huge online community everyday. it is our duty as bloggers to quote reliable sources and relay accurate information responsibly, or not at all. its too early, and hence difficult to pin labels on people right now. everything is chaotic, and the information that streams out is muddled and confused. lets try and keep our heads till everyone gets a handle on things, and then decide who we want to call the bad guys.

everyone is saddened and upset by this loss, no doubt. but lets not get ahead of ourselves. this is something beyond all of us, and something that is much bigger and important than any of us could have ever imagined. lets just keep in mind that it will do no good to speculate at this point in time.

as i said on nittewa, yes, this is not some innocent argument we have between ourselves. this is a deeply rooted and serious issue. one cannot irresponsibly claim to know the culprits who were behind the murder of a very important man. yes, one needs to use tact if one is trying to convey accurate and informative reports of the situation to the online public. i read scourge’s, mahangu’s, ian’s and anush’s blog posts on this, and i must say they are all very well done. to remain alert to honest information and impartial if one has none, is probably the best and most useful thing in times of turmoil.

i’m really mad. i dont know exactly why, although i do have a feeling i know a part of the reason. maybe it’s just a bad day. irritated really, pissed off. totally annoyed. its fascinating, i haven’t been this annoyed at someone in a long time. i generally try to let things slide, getting pissed of at individuals is a pain. its easier to just let it go, rise above it, and what have you. but no. i’m frothing, the kind of frothing that has you spewing the f word at any passing thing, the kind that even makes you laugh at yourself and how worked up you’ve managed to become.

this is what i hate about intimacy; that you give another person the full liberty and endless opportunities to pick you up and fling you around mercilessly. yes, i’m hurt. its bloody absurd! i have nothing to be hurt about. technically, its all ok. or it should be, so far. but its not, is it? i am hurt, and i am angry. and i dont even really know why.

this is what i hate about caring for someone; that you are risking the chance that they may not actually care so much for you as you do for them, and by the time you realize that, you figure you’re in too deep to pull out and pretend that for you, relationships are all about give and take. it doesn’t matter about the taking. you’ve given, and given, and given already, and you’re even willing to imagine some reciprocal love and concern if its not there in reality. hence, you fool yourself. big time.

this is what i hate about being close to someone else; that it takes less than nothing for them to affect you in a way that few people can. that, without even realizing the effect they have on you, you slowly begin to place greater than healthy importance on how they feel, what they think and how they act, especially towards you.

this is what i hate about thinking you’re important to someone else; that you never actually know if you are.

you gotta love it though, this endless cycle we put ourselves through.

from a production of caught in the net in london

on saturday we went to see caught in the net. a play directed by nafeesa amirudeen, starring the ever so popular mohammed adamally, this was the perfect sequel to ray cooney’s run for your wife. caught in the net was hilarious, the flawless example of good, tasteful comedy. from the very opening scene, the play was charged with super-high energy. the timing was crisp, the movements were well timed, the acting was great, the script was intelligent and witty, all in all, this is something i really enjoyed and that i recommend everyone to see. adamally has to be the most gifted comic actor on a colombo stage, and he delivered true to this reputation of his. however, unlike in run for your wife, it was not john smith (played by adamally) who takes center stage and occupies the spotlight, it is his lodger and friend, eccentric (with a perfectly consistent cockney accent), stanley (bloody) gardner played brilliant by sean amarasekera. sean put up a seriously stunning performance. this character could easily have been over-done if not played with understanding and caution, but sean played it to near perfection, getting all the punch-lines, the voice changes, the actions just right. ashini fernando delivered the young and funky aura of vicky smith with precision. she was energetic, merciless, demanding and unperturbed by her father’s antics to keep her from seeing gavin smith. kevin francke, who played gavin, was perhaps the only disappointment if any. there was a slight inconsistency in his performance that was apparent at moments. wanda godleib and nedra williams were wonderful english wives/mothers. arjuna wignarajah, who played stan’s aged father was simply hilarious. playing characters of such an extreme always prove difficult, leave alone doing it with undying consistency through out the play. not a moment was he not stalling or stammering or shivering on his legs. a must see.

yesterday anush, savi and i went to see fantastic four at savoy. well, it was mosly silly. you know, the usual marvel comic super hero type film. good looking people, noble ideals, half-funny pun lines, and some super powers thrown in with a weird looking and mentally ill super villain. its good fun though. jessica alba manages to be a little less annoying than her usual self (anush, STOP glowering at me), and the human torch is literally, quite a hottie, non?

the official poster

anyway, life goes on as it was. today all drivers of private buses, trishaws and school vans have gone on strike because the cops have decided to seriously up the traffic offense fines. right. wtf? if these jokers were to simply follow road regulations and drive in a way that is safe for all road users, they wouldnt get fined, now would they? them going on strike is so going to fix everything. however, yesterday, the president of the bus drivers association was explaining why they were going on strike, and it also made miniscule sense. or maybe he’s just a smooth talker. they want a fair deal, am equal equation. he says that if we had developed infra structure, good road systems etc, they wouldnt mind the increase in fines. they say that with the current conditions, its unfair to be increasing the fine prices, as they are forced to deal with the rotten road conditions and the unmanagable amount of traffic on the roads, hence forced to break a few rules here and there. the changes they are asking to see will take decades! if at all, knowing this country. it seems we have resorted to our all time favourite activity when faced with threat : go on strike.

well, i went for their (almost) full rehearsal yesterday, and yes i think everyone should head on down to the BC auditorium on saturday night and watch rhythms of one nation.

from watching the rehearsal, a few things were very plainly obvious. this concert has been put together by no one other than a determined bunch of very young people, and that in itself makes it all worthwhile.

its full of life, good music, and lots of good looking people.

need i mention the good cause? it all adds up. go watch it people. it should be very very good, not to mention very very fun.

how messed up did that last post turn out to be? the only good thing was that yeah, i did manage to articulate quite a few things i’ve been struggling to say, and yeah, the right person responded quite ok-ish to it.

i hate when D does that. he seems to be doing it more and more nowadays. draws up these far fetched conclusions, and then has fits about them because usually their quite melodramatic, horrid, and well, far fetched. this habit on his part lead to a lot of our fights sometime ago. not that i’m a calm, clear-headed person either. i flare up. i shout back. it used to get quite aggressive till one day i decided ‘i cant anymore’. just for those of you who are confused, no, i did not cheat on him. we had broken up more than a year before the night on which i drunkenly landed a misaimed peck on someone’s lips, when it was actually not meant to land there. the someone (come on D….you guys are barely cousins. it was only extra difficult because you knew him, but admit it. wouldnt you have reacted almost as lividly even if it had been someone else?) is related to D. after having confessed that yes, i did think i liked someone, D and i fought like we had never before, and that’s saying a lot. i remember the utter feeling of sheer devastation the next morning. i had just given up. it had become like fighting with my brother. after awhile, you realize you’re arguing with someone who’s not listening. not because their mean, or evil, but because they, like you, are convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that they are right and there is nothing more to it. so i just let him shout, and let him accuse me of all kinds of things, and let it slide simply because i had just given up. like he himself admits, its difficult, even now, to explain the kind of relationship we had, and continue to have, in a strange, strained sort of way. true we are estranged from each other almost completely, but he is someone i could never betray the trust of and feel ok about it. he eternally matters to me. technically, what happened that night was perfectly normal, and usually, no one, especially not some protective ex boyfriend, would have the right to tell me it was not. but this wasn’t just anybody, this was D and i. all technicalities were immediately discarded when it came to us. at that point, it was difficult to say if we were hurting each other more by being together, or staying apart. both were damaging. both were irresistable.

i’ve said too much. as always.

ps : D, don’t be too offended. i blog as an anonymous entity for a reason. this is my personal blog, and basically, the diary rules pretty much apply. my space, my writing. capische?

he who this post is for, will (hopefully) be aware that it is him i am addressing. the rest of you, just ignore it…

firstly, i’m not in love with you. contrary to what you think, and as much faith as you seem to have in your prognosticating (!) skills, rest assured, if i was in love with you, you would know, beyond a doubt. me being in love is not a subtle, gentle kind of thing. it explodes from within me, coming out with desperation, passion and utter helplessness. i would tell you if i was in love with you, because if i was, i would know no other way of dealing with it other than by telling you outright. this would be the only way i’d live with myself. this would be my only release. i would not be able to contain myself, restrain myself from shouting it out. the elevation would lead me to bubble to the top and spill over.

i like to think i have been in love. i do believe that i have. this is the only way that i can feel that i’ve lived a content person so far. that i’ve lived a wholesome life so far. that, if love were to happen to me again, i’d recognize it, and never miss it. this is the only way i can feel happy and satisfied in a time that is completely devoid of the elevation that being in love brings. i have known the lifting happiness, the hungry need to be wanted, the deeply gutting feeling of being left behind. the life changing-ness of it all is unforgettable. you will tell me i know nothing. after all, i am a child, huh? but no, therefore i’m not in love with you. if i was, it would be unmissable.

you do matter. you matter in a strange, undefinable way that does somehow take up a fair bit of my being. i cannot tell you something collosal like ‘you mean the world to me’, but niether am i finding it possible to cut you out completely by saying something like ‘you mean nothing to me’. i think right now, the importance of you to me, lies precariously between those two extremes. i think it would be safe to be saying something like ‘you mean a lot to me’ and leaving it at that.

i do think about you. i have entertained the prospect of you and i being ‘together’, it would be almost silly to pretend otherwise, but this is not the way i think about you most often, and certainly not the only way in which i think about you. in a normal day, the most normal things renind me of you and sometimes make me smile. i think about your stupid jokes, your insane theories, at the most random moments, in the most random places. these thoughts come and go with bursts of affection, but never am i overwhelmed enough to think to myself ‘i’m in love with him’.

i do like you. you’re funny, you’re a good listener, you’re sensible, but also not afraid of taking chances. we are compatible enough, but also different enough to learn from each other. it has been nice knowing you, finding you, finding someone like you, like me. here again i’m not certain i can say something like ‘i need you in my life’, it has not reached that stage. but something more like ‘i like having you in my life’ and leaving it at that.
tied with this, i think, comes certain levels of caring, certain feelings of fondness, and yes, even possibly certain amounts of love. love has always been a big and imposing word, that implies not just one, but many dynamics of a human relationship. its tricky to know when to and when not to use it. so maybe right now i shouldnt be saying ‘i love you’, but something more like ‘you’re a person i can love’.

i dont care about you enough to be sacrificial and selfless, but you being happy is somewhat important, and i am willing to do certain things that may help induce that happiness. i dont feel fond of you to an extent where i am violently protective, but i will defend you, and the good things about you that i am aware of if the need arises as best i can. you aren’t an inseparable part of my life, but i think it would pain me somewhat if you and i suddenly ceased being friends. i dont miss you, but i like talking to you, and i like being with you while we are talking and while we are together.

bascially, i think it’s just good enough to say, that i’m glad i know you, and i’m here if you need me, and thanks for everything. these may sound like simple and cliche words, but if you know the sincerity with which i say them, and i think you would, you would know that they are worthwhile. you’re an interesting, kind and complicated individual. thank god for that.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY TRACY PET!

today is the 21st birthday of one of my bestest and oldest friends, tracy. she has been away for some time now, and i’m missing her to bits right now, even more so than usual, which is saying a lot.

have a great day, and fabulous year trace. may you grow more and more beautiful, much much stronger, and may you find all the love in the world. i love you so so much tracy. you have brought me so much joy and courage over the years, i just dont know who i’d be or what i’d do without you. i’m so glad we’re friends (well, a lot more than friends, dont you think?). you’re simply one of the most sensible, beautiful, energetic, wonderful, dynamic people i know. all the wild things we’ve done (remember going to every hotel in and around galle face?), all the lessons we’ve learnt (oh the heartache and the trying times), all the times your home has been my home (’i'll sleep on the floor!’, ‘NO, I’LL sleep on the floor!’), all the times we’ve danced till we’ve dropped (how everyone stares…)…i’ve loved every minute of it trace. every single minute. i’ve missed you a great deal, trace. can’t wait to have you back. here’s an infinity of x’s and o’s….