the chinese food theory
i have a theory about myself. in the many years of trying to decipher the innermost and utterly complicating things about myself and why i do the things i do (and why i dont do the things i dont do) i have understood and accepted many of my existing qualities. most of them are not so good. now, this may sound insanely silly to most of you, but i only realized the simplicity of one of my problems last night, over dinner. its something i know i’ve been for a long time…but its just last night that i realized its in a lot of things i do.
last night i was on my way home and i had this uncontrollable urge for chinese food. i mean its one of those things. you know exactly what you want, you know exactly how much you want, and you think you can eat and eat and eat. so i stopped at this place, 88, and ordered take-away. of course even the singular portions are quite large, but i planned to hog it all. the food in the boxes smelled great, and i absoloutely could not wait to get home because frankly, i cant remember the last time i ate chinese. it must have been when i was in london, where i ate chinese pretty much ALL the time. after the first initial bites, which were divine and completely satisfying, less than half way into my dinner, i’d had enough of it. that’s it. its not that there was anything wrong with the food. it was perfection, just like i had imagined the whole way home. but i just couldn’t eat anymore. i wasn’t even full, its not even that. its just…i didnt want chinese anymore. after the first taste, you realize its something you’ve eaten before, and its the same damn thing. i got bored. closed up the boxes and put them in the fridge and starved the rest of the night because i just couldnt forgive myself long enough to get something else to eat.
am i nuts, you ask? yeah, probably very much so. but this is my problem. i get bored fast. of work, of people, of activities. most of the time, i’m not giving something my all, i’m not giving something everything i’ve got in order to make it work, because it just bores me. even the things that really matter to me, i have little patience with them. writing, dancing…often, i dont have that drive. i dont have enough enthusiasm and patience to write a story, something i’ve been wanting to do for ages. i can’t get myself to wake up at 8 every saturday morning so i stopped teaching my early dancing class from 8 to 9. i did that so i wouldnt HAVE to go. so i could go at 10 and not feel guilty and irresponsible. and lets not even talk about boys…i’ll probably never be able to commit to anyone because it bores me. because, simply, i couldnt be bothered. i always wonder if i’ve already missed ‘the one’ because when we fought, i didnt have the patience to stay in it and make it work. i just gave up and broke up with him.
pondering about such things probably isn’t very healthy for me…but then, what out of what i do is?
“i’ll probably never be able to commit to anyone because it bores me. because, simply, i couldnt be bothered.”.. as Letterman would say “its like i have a twin” !!
… im worse (sort of) cuz i don even get to the stage where a major fight is necessary… but that’s a lot healthier me thinks…
Comment by SpectralCentroid — July 29, 2005 @ 10:56 am
sc :
part of me knows what you mean. but is it healthier, really? is it ok to be so bored by things that you might even be destructive?
Comment by electra — July 29, 2005 @ 11:05 am
You are being relatively normal u know…A lot of people are like that…ok obviosuly being bored about every other thing,even the things that you are good at…can obviously lead to a really great sense of regret later on where you would one day think “shit…if only I could be bothered enough…”
So I guess its a matter of knowing how to distinguish between what you have to keep at and what you can afford to get rid of..and making the right choices..
Comment by Savi — July 29, 2005 @ 5:16 pm
well that’s the whole issue savi.. you can’t be selectively bored… so pickin ‘what you can afford to get rid of’ is sort of not in the equation..
well electra.. maybe one will grow bored of being destructive as well
.. but really… i meant its heathy if you get bored soon enough… there are other things as well.. such as whether the boredom is accompanied by a ‘true’ don give a f*** attitude (because others are bound to judge you on your ‘being bored’ nature).. and basically your general nature and what you expect out of life… or else the whole regret thing might hit you later on as savi says.. (maybe.. i dunno..)
Comment by SpectralCentroid — August 1, 2005 @ 6:54 am
Curiosity overwhelmed me…who was “the one”…ps..Jet Li is NOT a vaild answer btw. pps. Ego contributed to the curiosity so feel free to shoot me down. Cheers. (my 1st comment, sigh…this means im no longer a silent observer, the watched has intervened)
Comment by D — August 2, 2005 @ 5:42 pm
it was you i was referring to here D. sheesh.
Comment by electra — August 2, 2005 @ 6:46 pm
YAY! i’ve been mentioned in a blog, YOUR blog,
with a relative fondness..heheh…sweet!!! seeya. have a good day.
Comment by D — August 3, 2005 @ 4:46 am
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