Portrait

its strange. there are days (weeks even) when you dont feel like telling anyone anything, when you feel like just being with yourself. talking to yourself, smiling to yourself. i suppose the past week has been somewhat like that. spectralcentoid, its nice to know i was missed.

for sometime now, i’ve had this sinking feeling of drifting. that the best years and times of my life would pass me by and i wouldnt even have noticed long enough to sit up and enjoy it. that i’d be trying so hard to have fun that i would miss out on the moments that i was actually having fun, and not even know it. that i’d be trying so hard to find love that i’d not see it even if it was right there dancing in the nude in front on my eyes.

for sometime now i’ve complaining heartily about being lonely and bored. there have been times when i’ve gotten up, looked at myself in the mirror and thought ‘what’s up lonely? another day.’ this must be the biggest bull shit i’ve told myself in a long time. i’m niether bored nor lonely. i’m constantly doing all these fantastic things, constantly being told how much i’m loved and constantly having the oppourtnity of being with those people that love me and i love so greatly. at the risk of sounding 65, this has been a deeply comtemplative time for me. my life is filled with new feelings, and so many wonderful people. i like it. i like every single twisted, weird, painful glorious detail, and i’m keeping it all.

things have been hitting me. i have a friend who has an insanely dry joke about this. its typical of him though, owing to his generally dry (yet irresistable) sense of humour. he keeps us laughing about how my life must be rather painful, because things keep ‘hitting’ me. i’m blessed and glad to be able to say that usually, the things that hit me are seemingly pleasant, or atleast useful. see, there’s the back of my head, where all the ‘unthought about’s lie. and then there’s the front of my head, where the ‘much thought about’s lie. sometimes, things that need a great deal of thinking about tend to slink away to the back of my head and stay there till it’s too late. so, once in awhile its nice to get ‘hit’ by things. these things aren’t always happy, or exciting. but their always profound, always necessary. they range from ‘i’m in love!’ to ‘why did i do that?!’, but, undoubtedly, their all equally important things in my head. and in my life. things have begun hitting me like that, after awhile of suspended numbness to everything that required some serious thinking about.

suddenly, there are new feelings for new people that i know nothing about, for sure. but i can tell their going to change my life, if they haven’t already.

i watched this film, closer. it was such a great film, a realistic and seriously profound film after ages. it has a fabulous cast of just four people through out the entire film, julia roberts, jude law, natalie portman and clive owen. the cast makes the script and the film on the whole totally explosive. the script itself is ingenius, but i suppose the four of them have a lot to do with the impact it has. it’s sexy, sad, angry, infuriating and so so human. all the characters are so flawed, and so understandable. natalie portman delivers a wonderfully well crafted performance, despite her not so wise choices of roles before this. jude law is just something else. besides being hot hot hot, he is a kick ass actor, as this movie proves beyond a doubt if alfie didn’t do it for you. i’d dare compare him to johnny depp, and i wouldnt compare just anyone to depp. i worship him. he’s a god. jude law has his charisma, that capacity to be impish, sexy, yet so deep and moving. closer is an almost painfully honest account of humans, human behaviour and human emotions. it makes you mad to the core, and then makes you think ‘oh my god, people are like that. i’m like that!’ whatever said, one must admire the cast for doing such a brilliant job with the film, if nothing else. its just one of those films where its solely dependent on a miniscule cast, somewhat like how fabulously well colin farrel dealt with phone booth. this is, really, as time said, a love story for adults.

natalie portman also has this great line : lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her clothes.