Portrait

July 14, 2005

home

Filed under: General

so here i am. my amazing holiday is over, and i’m back to the heat and the noise and the dust. and the real life. its strange. i cant stop trelling myself i just spent the last two weeks in europe, because somehow it all seems like this distant dream. gotta face the music, the messes i made and escaped for a glorious little time, the responsibilties.

just for the record, the phantom was amazing. i loved every minute of it. the music was fantastic, the singing, the acting, the dancing, the sets, the special effects…it was all so over the top. so extravagant. nothing like i’ve ever seen, and probably nothing like i ever will.

have you ever felt like there was this beautiful thing, this moment, this second that you know is going to last you a lifetime that’s just slipping away right before your eyes? i have found that in myself. that i’m a sucker for feelings. i’m a sucker for feelings as opposed to the things that cause them. like, i like being in love. which is why i often rush to convince myself i am in love, when most the time, i’m far from it. i like being in love, i dont necessarily like boys. i like excitement, it doesnt necessarily mean i’m willing to hop back on a plane and take another trip. i like sucess, although i dont necssarily enjoy working my ass off for it. i like feeling happy. content. whole. i dont necessarily like being hard to satisfy.

its easy when you’re a stranger in a strange place. your slate is clean. people don’t know you, they dont judge on all the stupid slips you once made. people find it easy to like you. i guess i’ve come to understand that as deep as i try to be, i’m superficial in a way. i want people to like me, it matters that people dont have nasty things to say about me. it matters that boys think i’m attractive. it matters that people trust me, and respect me. it doesnt matter as much as it used to, and thats a good thing. but someone told me i’m ‘too nice’ yesterday, and i had to tell him that he was sadly mistaken. i’m not that nice anymore, and sometimes i miss how nice i used to be. how nice i used to be able to be. i’m defensive now, and judgemental, and even mildly selfish.

anyway, thats that. as always, its nice to be home.

112 Comments »

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  1. Escaped responsibilities? what responsibilities? Oh! alright, I’ll pretend to like you, if it makes you happy!

    BTW, you can’t build a house without a foundation. More appropriately, it seems that you like a nice house to live in, but can’t be bothered with the bricks and mortar let alone the foundation. Would it really work? Ponder on….

    Comment by Scourge — July 15, 2005 @ 5:25 am

  2. wallah !!!.. one of THE most unpretentious posts i’ve ever seen on a blog… like a breath of fresh air..

    Comment by SpectralCentroid — July 15, 2005 @ 7:15 am

  3. “i want people to like me, it matters that people dont have nasty things to say about me. it matters that boys think i’m attractive. …. i miss how nice i used to be. how nice i used to be able to be. i’m defensive now, and judgemental, and even mildly selfish.”

    Welcome to Life :) Thats how things are most of hte time. So dont worry too much over the change or how you used to be or what you expect. :)

    Comment by kulendra — July 15, 2005 @ 10:04 am

  4. Since when was being ‘defensive, judgemental and mildly selfish’ necessarily a bad thing? I’m sure you’ll find that it comes in very handy sometimes….

    Comment by Anush — July 15, 2005 @ 10:30 am

  5. scourge : of course you LIKE me…there isn’t any need to pretend you dont. :) and that’s exactly my point, if you want good things, one needs to deserve it and work towards it…i’m not always sure i have the perseverence and determination, nor the patience to do so…

    anush : i suppose in a way those are the essnetial human qualities. selfish, judgemental…aren’t we all to a certain degree?

    Comment by electra — July 15, 2005 @ 11:16 am

  6. ahh don’t worry electra all a part of growing up.. i USED to be ‘nice’ too and then thinkgs happen that change ur outlook on life and ppl and the world and u end up being not so nice… happens to all of us at some point.. u r NOT alone :)

    Comment by savi3 — July 15, 2005 @ 11:48 am

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