Portrait

today, atleast for the moment, i have decided that my life is being lived the way i want it to be lived. there is no other life i’d rather have, there is no other life i’d give mine up for. i wonder how long this certainty will last, but for the moment, its strangely comforting.

i live my life the way i have always wanted to live it. the way i always saw myself living it. a little on the edge, a little on the fast track, always constantly, on the move. there have been times that this never ending cycle of motion has made me a little car sick, a little disoriented. but more often than not, being fast paced has been the only thing that has made me feel alive, young and energetic. it has been what has enabled me to take things lightly, what has enabled me to laugh at myself, to move on and get on with it. rather than dwelling on things, mourning, moping, i have always found it easier to simply refuse to ackowledge certain things. maybe if you ignore them hard enough, they’ll eventually cease to exist. sometimes this works. sometimes it does not. when it does not work, ive always managed to identify the fact that its not working, and then begin to deal with the issue rather than pretend its not there.

like now. i thought that i had more control over a certain issue than i actually do. for sometime i’ve told myself ‘i’m ok, its ok, and i dont need to think about it twice because soon it will be gone’. it hasn’t gone. its still very much there. and finally, finally, now that i see its there, i dont particularly mind that it is. it is a part of being me, a part of who i am. there is nothing to feel ashamed of, or be afraid of.

i sometimes stop to wonder if one fine day, i’ll run out of chances. then i tell myself that me being me, i will not sit by and allow such complete destruction. i will not. i cannot. and there are enough people around me who will also not allow it. thanfkfully, i’m not going to find myself trying to salvage a situation entirely alone ever. and this i know with utter conviction, if nothing else.

today a best friend answered this question of mine. she told me ‘dont you know that you’ll never run out of chances? you’ll have an infinity of chances with me. i love you, and that means no matter what’. i cant tell you for sure that in 30 years i will find that she feels the same way, and that when i wind up on her doorstop after having murdered my husband that she will take me in, murderer or not. but today it made me happy just to hear her say it. today, she said it because she really believes it to be true. today, she said it because she means it. and that’s good enough. i can feel like i’m worthy of those words, like i deserve them, because in moments, i realize i love myself. i really do. there hasnt been a day in which i havent.

life is so so simple. so much simpler than we ever allow it to be. if i look back on everything i’ve ever done, or everything i’ve ever done that my memory can recall, there is honestly nothing that i would undo. there is nothing that i have ever done or said, no matter how horrible or stupid, that i would take back. isnt that great? to know that i can die now, and i wouldnt die unhappy, that i’d be dying a hundred percent regret free? i suppose i do believe that everything happens for a reason. i just need to keep reminding myself that.

i like this person that i am. its just that, like with every other person, she gets a little much at times. living in her skin becomes a little unbearable. living in her skin and not really ever knowing entirely who she is becomes a little intimidating. all i need to do is look at the sky, at the stars, or the sea. it will remind me that there are larger things than life itself. more infinite things than i, things that are just bigger and beyond me, that i need to put a little effort into understanding. as scary as this is for us to admit, i must confess it takes a little bit of the pressure away.

i like her, this impulsive, unafraid, stupid, hyperactive fool for love and all other gloriously painful things. she isnt afraid to take a few chances, to risk a few things, to feel overwhelmingly powerful feelings, no matter how heart breaking.

quite the contrary to what spectralcentroid tells me, i doubt there will ever be a day when a person will fully understand themself. and maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. maybe what we need to understand more importantly and urgently, is that understanding yourself is not the point. its about loving yourself.

i just want to let my friends know that i’m eternally grateful for all they have done for me, and for how long they have tolerated me. even the ones i havent even met yet (!).