Portrait

a few nights ago, as i lay in bed, i was overwhelmed by an entire host of powerful feelings. do you ever feel that way? like you’re just feeling too much? like you’re just going to explode? so i’m just lying there, wanting to cry, wanting to laugh, wanting to just run around and around till i’m exhausted…

there were so many familar feelings just kind of whizzing through my system, and me telling myself ‘i’ve been here, done this, felt this all before, so just turn around while you can…’. they were just rising in me, waves and waves of emotion. wrenching my insides, burning my throat. that kind of thing. it was really literally twisting up my insides, my stomach, my heart.

like Iroms says on her blog, some people never learn… i’m sick of not having learnt. i’m sick of not knowing, of not being sure, of wanting so much, of wanting and never getting.

since about april last year, up until very recently, i tortured my self incessently over the boy who simply was not worth half of what i endured. if he’s reading this, i’m glad. he’s shit. he’s a complete shit. i’m not scared to say his name now, i’m not afraid to admit i fell for him, and acted like a snivelling undignified loser when around him. neel, you SUCK. got that? you really suck. but i guess the bigger idiot out of the two was me. so for awhile back there, i sucked more than he did. for awhile back there i compromised a lot of things i shouldn’t have, and settled for being treated a lot less worthy than i really was, and am. he’s the boy i’ll remember as the turning point in my life. after that, i stopped needing a ‘boyfriend’, i realized i was a lot happier being single, atleast for the time being. after that, i stopped believing so much in ‘happily ever after’s, and started believing more in the real thing, that you had to work you’re own ass off to get a good thing to stay the same. after that, i kind of grew up and got a life.

and since then, for over a year now, i’ve managed not to take the whole guy issue too seriously. i’ve been really happy just being single, and goofing off, and crushing and flirting. never spent too much time seriously contemplating any boys, never spent too much time getting over one and moving onto the next…it’s all been easy and breezy. nothing too in-depth. just shallow fun.

and then suddenly, in one moment, you realize it’s all happening again. suddenly, knowing exactly where you’re headed, you find yourself stepping into old familiar shoes.

knowing, knowing the whole time it’s going to be nothing short of horrible, you dive headlong into it. neel made me desperate, and frustrated, and vulnerable. and i’m feeling that way all over again. with every boy who has been important in my life, i’ve always been ‘in control’. of the situation, of my feelings, of our actions. except that once. and now it’s just on rewind and replay. every fibre inside me is just asking me to stop while i’m in shallow water, but something stronger just wants more. craves more. in moments of sanity i tell myself i’m ok, and that i don’t need him, but most of the time, i’m wanting and wanting and wanting.

and that wanting…i may not particularly be wanting him, but i’m wanting something. it’s like i’m waiting for this big bang. this once spectacular event that’s going to occur and sweep me off my feet, and make me content with my life. i’m just waiting for that feeling, that everything is perfect. there’s sometimes this tugging inside, almost like an ache for something MORE.

a long time ago, i remember knowing with utter conviction and beyond a shadow of a doubt that what i had is what i wanted then. i haven’t felt that certainty in a long time. and i miss it.

my mother once told me ‘you will never know if you’re doing the right thing, or making the right choices. you just have to take that risk’. i mean, it’s life. i guess knowing is half the battle. do we ever really know what we want? what we’re doing? probably not. but the thing is, you have to live that way. can’t remember who said this, but i want to quote someone (bless their soul, whoever it was really knew what they were talking about).
“…you’ll always only see as far your headlights let you. but you can make the whole trip that way”.

at the end of the the day, my life is fine. everything isn’t falling apart. it’s just when i stop to think, and allow myself to really feel what i want to, it’s all too much. there are very few REAL issues. half the time, i think we need to convince ourselves that we have issues and problems. if we didn’t, i dare say we’d be bored to tears. and you dont NEED to know much, contrary to popular belief. you dont NEED to know where you’re headed, or how it’s going to be. you only NEED to know the answer to just one question. this is your life, are you who you want to be?

note - my problems aren’t as serious as i have made them sound, nor do they disturb me as much as it may seem. so don’t worry, those of you who might. i’m ai’ght. the words ‘this is your life, are you who you want to be?’ are from the song ‘this is your life’, by switchfoot. its an enlightening song. just beautiful.