because it’s all so good…
having another weird day. feeling horribly depressed, for strange and unfathomable reasons, but feeling immensely satisfied and content at the same time. that’s a damn weird combination of things to be feeling, the tear inducing kind. kind of scary.
but my life is good.
a) im on HOLIDAY!
b) i passed my exams with good results, and im in a year of school that requires LITTLE academic excellence, leaving me time to do everything i missed doing for the most of last year.
c) im having a great deal of fun, even with my studies. YES, you got me right. that’s what i said.
d) i have FABULOUS friends, and every day is good.
e) im taking off to bangalore soon for a vacation with iroms MINUS my mother.
f) basically, my life is on track, and stable.
or so you would think.
but my life sucks.
a) my best friend is leaving the country for good soon, not only that, she’s depressed out of her mind right now. that’s awful. you know what they say. her pain is my pain.
b) i miss tracy to death. and my cousin N.
c) i always feel like i’m not good enough, like i’m not doing enough.
d) ok, iroms is depressed. atleast she knows what wants. i still, successfully, do NOT know what i want.
e) and whenever i do know what i want, those things are beyond attainable.
f) hormones are out of check again. need some relief. or release. or whatever 
i’ve always been ok with the things listed above, in the ‘this is why my life sucks’ list. i’ve always been able to deal with the fact that i’m eternally confused, never knowing, never convinced. and it’s always been ok, because at the end of the day, i’ve managed to be happy and whole, with the ‘this is why my life is great’ list. the good stuff has been worth overlooking the bad stuff.
there come these random moments, where this dreadful feeling of sinking starts growing, somewhere in the pit of my stomach. like ‘am i ever going to know? am i ever going to know what i want, properly, ever?’. gasp. what if i’m always confused? what if that’s my fate?
get this. it’s 3 30 am on a sunday morning, and we’re eating really sad, disgusting frozen pizza that has suspicious fish LIKE things on the surface and is hazzardously soggy. see what i mean?
ok ok…so my life doesnt SUCK. but it sometimes gets around to feeling like it does, you know?
i don’t have a lot of things in my life that i want right now. but i’m alive. and sometimes, that’s just enough. it has to be.
ps - i decided to post my first picture. i think its beautiful, and was taken by a dear friend, suda, who is a photographer for LT. hmmm…hope this works.
pps - yey! it worked. so, that’s me in one of my ‘giggly’ moods!
I think it’s beautiful! Awesome lighting, and I love the hint of smile that shows in your eyes. Awesome portrait, so to speak.
Comment by Mahangu — April 17, 2005 @ 12:04 pm
thanks gu. he really is a fabulous phtographer isnt he? he makes anyone look great. apparently, even me! he took a whole sequence of these last night. opted for this because its not too revealing. all of them were really cool.
D was making me laugh by the way…
Comment by electra — April 17, 2005 @ 4:06 pm
nice pic…:-) so i’ve been gone for a few days and fuel prices are up, avurudu done and layouts changed.
i took a pic just for you, while at the Haputale rail station. There was a poster that said “Suba Fancy”
Comment by Scourge — April 18, 2005 @ 6:14 am
scourge : welcome back!
start blogging away already about how you got smashed every single day out there in haputale. cant wait to hear more demeaning anecdotes of just how brain dead alcohol makes you act.
speaking of which….iroms and i….nevermind
we know about being brain dead and all…so i feel for you. really. i wont laugh too hard.
where is this picture you took ‘just for me’?
Comment by electra — April 18, 2005 @ 8:14 am
been trying to blog my trip since morning. However, you know how it is when you are gone for a while, the work just pile’s up like shit that hasn’t been flushed for a week; doesn’t help when your clients are all Europians or Americans and don’t get avurudu off. So hopefully this evening. Your pic, i’ll post it later on…
So you guys got smashed huh? couldn’t read that entire post…will do laterz…
Comment by Scourge — April 18, 2005 @ 9:04 am
I haven’t seen such a creative photograph like this really nice and the lighting was superb keep up da gud work!
dcp
Comment by dumma — April 19, 2005 @ 11:09 am
I haven’t seen such a creative photograph like this really nice and the lighting was superb keep up da gud work!
dcp
Comment by dumma — April 19, 2005 @ 11:15 am
your picture looks like the moment before someone is about to puke.. you know the all calm ‘im ok , im ok ritual before vomiting on the person in front of them’ all in all hilarious !
Comment by Boycy — April 19, 2005 @ 12:55 pm
dumma : i did not take the picture, so there’s little point telling me to keep up the good work. however, i will pass on the compliments to the photographer.
boycy : pukey huh? no i wasnt about to puke, or even close. interesting though.
Comment by Electra — April 20, 2005 @ 4:07 am
Thanks for checking out me blog. BTW, that picture is really nice, great warm tone there. Good job!
Comment by Abhimanyu — April 20, 2005 @ 4:38 am
Finally got around to checking blogs and commenting.
I am no longer depressed ! Yay
Well you know why since I called you last night with my latest drama. Sigh. 
I’m still in love with this pic, mainly cos I never thought it would come out so well. I mean, i WAS there during the whole ‘photo shoot’ (how cool does that sound) and the whole thing was too priceless, esp with D holding that lamp and I was anxiously waiting for her to poke your eyeballs out !!!
Suda rocks
Comment by Iroms =) — April 20, 2005 @ 4:52 am